UFO:1999
Episode 4
Lizard’s Lathe
[Note: Parts of the first section of this script were filmed, but the second half of the story was from a previous original story, in which Koenig and Straker fly for many months crammed together in a probe ship. At the end were bogus scenes for the “year 4” stories, which include Ed saving his son (!) and our answer to “Message from Moonbase Alpha”. As always other Sci Fi shows are referenced along the way.]
Preview: Last time, On UFO:1999…Koenig crashes an Eagle after flying erratically… again…
Koenig-- I haven’t had this much fun since…
Command Center Personnel- You burned Gramma’s wig…
Koenig-- You should have seen her run! [Crash among waste domes]
…And soon Koenig is hooked up to an experimental life support machine in hopes Dr. Russell can save him…
[We see the machine and John hooked up. Dials turned, then we see the wave patterns and here “Mack the Knife” in German {Throwback to old Ernie Kovacks routine; Why not?}]
…Then..Alpha is surprised when suddenly they receive unexpected visitors from Earth…….
Sandra- Tony, look its…..
Tony S- Noah’s Ark!
[Ark lands on pad- Hangs off at either end, but airlock matches boarding tube.]
Sandra- Transmission coming in…
Noah- Hello Alpha !!! I’ve brought along some friends…[Holds up small dog]
Tony S- It’s Muffet…It’s my puppy Muffet!
Soon…They land, and Noah brings joy to Alpha, as Alphans see their favorite pets again…[All the while these events are taking place, we see the photographer guy taking movies…he could be using one of our old cameras! Note: Noah is carrying around the Ten Commandment tablets throughout his scenes]…...But Straker doesn’t trust them….
Straker- [In priest looking black shirt] Tony…a word with you…Tony…
But no one will listen to Straker, as everyone is busy with their favorite pets from Earth…Sandra- I am so glad to see you Mr. Twizzle the cat. Have you had some adventures? What was it like being dead?
….Then, suddenly the Alpha photographer goes biserk when his film reveals the ugly truth about the Ark’s animals...[we see at the window a dog and cat[?] who are talking to each other]
Dog- What did you do to him?
Cat- Made him see something else so he would destroy the film, lest we be exposed.
Dog- What did he see?
Cat- The Sci- Fi Channel’s latest attempt at original programming.
Dog- How cruel!
….Meanwhile, one of the animals tries to attack Commander Koenig..[we see a cat walk into Medical Center, then cut to paw switching settings on Helena’s machine…Then it hops on his chest…]
Koenig-- Get it off of me!! Get it off!! [Sneeze]
Dr. Russell- [enters] Oh Torchy, You naughty boy!! Get down.
…But Koenig doesn’t see a cat…
Koenig--An alien! Helena, he’s an alien.
Dr. Russell-- Don’t you think I’d know and alien if one were here? [She is gently rubbing an alien’s sideways head.]
….But Koenig doesn’t believe the story…
Koenig- They’re aliens, not pets. And that’s not an ark on the pad it’s a UFO!!
Straker- I still see pets, but there is something very wrong. Why is Noah carrying the Ten Commandments?
Dr. Russell- Uh Oh. He should have a coat of many colors, too!
….So the doctor hooks up Straker to the machine…
Dr. Russell--This shouldn’t hurt a bit. [Turns on machine]
Koenig- I hear footsteps outside…better hurry.
[Dr. Russell turns up machine to full power, which does hurt]
[Door opens, in comes cat]
Dr. Russell--Ah…Torchy You’re back…Here say hello to John and Ed.
[Koenig and Straker cringe and pat the head of an alien.]
…..Then they find a way to make all of Alpha see the aliens…
Dr. Russell-- This should break the alien’s mind control.
[Plays Slim Whitman, everyone screams and aliens replace probe, on the pad a UFO replaces the Ark. On top its pulsating light fizzles out]
…Now it’s up to SHADO…
Straker -Launch interceptors! Deploy the Mobiles!
[UFO takes off, Interceptors and mobiles give chase, but miss.]
Freeman- Hey baby, I think they’re headed for the waste domes.
Bergman- John…John…we’ve got an emergency…John where are you?
Freeman- He’s probably swinging, man! Give it a rest.
[Koenig is back in Medical Center and has hooked himself up to the Mind machine, he activates and spasses out. Falls to the floor]
Koenig- That’s the stuff.
…Suddenly, It’s curtains to the aliens…..
[We see UFO approaching and then firing at dome]
Carlin- And over on the right we see….
Tourist 1- A UFO attacking the Nuclear waste dome.
Carlin- Yes, the waste dome.
Tourist 1- Firing weapons.
[Spacediver shoots down UFO]
Carlin- Yes, we need to open fire.
…That was last time, on UFO:1999!!
***********************************************************************
Koenig--:
Dear Diary, September 13, 2009, It is hard to believe but it has now been 3653 days since leaving Earth. During our journey we have established contact with numerous alien races, explored space phenomena, and have been blown to smithereens countless times. While I’m no Captain Whatshis-kirk I believe we have helped make the Galaxy a little safer for everyone. [stock footage of planets and spacecraft being blown to bits by Eagles, etc…] SHADO is so efficient now that they can bring down annoying alien plots in their sleep. Ed is definitely getting bored with the whole thing. Where do those stupid spinning UFOs come from anyway?
Most of the base personnel are celebrating, despite the fact that it’s actually a depressing day as holidays go. I am happy to say the big fireworks show we put on went off with only a handful of casualties. [Astros standing and cheering as explosions from Breakaway go off in background]Some personnel, like Tony Scarlletti and Maya are on vacation….I think he said that they were taking some time off to play asteroids…whatever that means. [Eagle in asteroid field, shown blasting asteroids.]
Our only problem comes from our own local survivalist and retired taxi driver, Tony Cellini…..
[We see Tony in his pj’s running down a hallway past a security guard who says “Hi”. He then boards an Eagle where another security person is eating an apple and reading a book. Without looking up he shoots Tony.]
Medical Center
Dr Russell- Well here we are again Mr. Cellini. This is the third time just this month.
Cellini- Please, you must believe me. I’m absolutely certain that the monster is near, no ravings of a deranged mind.
Dr. Russell--Save it Tony. I don’t care how many aliens and weird creatures I’ve seen, this new one of yours must be purely imagined.
Cellini- Why would you believe this? Tentacles, blood suckers, piano wire…the whole concocted story is true!!
Dr. Russell-- And you wonder why.
Cellini- Maybe I say it wrong again…My English is not so good.
[Koenig and Straker enter]
Koenig--- Tony…not again. What have I told you about stealing Eagles?
Cellini- To take the one with the broken 8 track. Sorry it wasn’t on the pad.
Koenig---That’s not what I meant. We do not steal Eagles in our pajamas and completely unarmed to slay invisible monsters….There. Is that good enough Doctor?
Straker- John, this has happened before? Why don’t I remember it? If it had to do with aliens, shouldn’t I have been notified. I’m an alien blasting fool, after all.
Koenig--- Actually it all began while you were secretly rebuilding SHADO, before you reset the clocks and stole Alphas to build SHADO.
Straker- Oh, you’re not still upset about that are you?
Koenig--- Anyway Tony thought he was closing in again on his old advisisary, the many tentacled, bloodsucker covered killing machine with a very large glass eye that glows in the dark. He tried to steal an Eagle….
Dr Russell- John, if you’re going to tell it, tell it right.
Koenig--- Fine, you just tell it then, I know when I’m not wanted. [Storms out]
Dr. Russell-- It all really began in 1994, when Victor Bergman had discovered a planet beyond Pluto, which he named Extra.
[Moonbase Alpha Lab]
Announcer- Welcome back to MSCNN. Well, the probe to Planet Extra is ready to go, but who will command? Alpha commander Anton Gorski is expected to make a decision today. Science editor Miles O’ Brian brings us this in depth report on the very latest. Miles..
Miles -[In DS9 uniform] Well as you know…
Announcer- Moving on to something we think is more interesting, the International Society of Dust and Lint Collectors met today…..
Koenig--- Rats, The VCR didn’t even have time to get started that time. Stupid two head.
Bergman- Ok, I discovered it, one of you guys gets to explore it.
Koenig--- OK. Cellini, red or black?
Cellini-Is this like your American Heads or Tails?
Koenig--- Call it.
Cellini- Black.
Koenig---[Looks at it so no one else can see it…it is red] Tony, you lucky person you!! Congratulations, you’re the commander!
Dr. Russell-- [Most of this narration takes place over the flashback sequences] The Launch took place on the 6th of June 1996 from the terribly out of scale Centauri Space dock…… [Sfx- Station and Probe, then cut to a farewell line and Londo Milari waving good by {He is , after all, a Centauri}..Show probe departing]… The longest ever manned space mission to a newly discovered planet began….well ok, it really wasn’t the longest, I mean with the Ultima Thule expedition, the Planet D mission, and all….Anyway, it continued to be as slow paced as sad classical music, and everything went well. [shots of probe] There were no officially reported problems or malfunctions of any kind…..[As music plays, we see Cellini scolding the bald guy. Then we see Cellini “use the Force” as the Bald guy falls to the floor….From SW:ESB]
Cellini- You know, any time you take a prolonged space voyage, you’d better be prepared. It’s very cold in space and no one can hear you scream…’I need some Skydiver Coffee’, so you’d better take along plenty…Mmm..Good to the last ounce of strength….
Dr. Russell-- Cellini….. This is the flashback sequence. The coffee commercial isn’t due for 3 more minutes.
Cellini- Sorry Doctor, but I thought it was time. I absolutely sure now was the time.
Dr. Russell--Where was I? Oh, yes. The mission continued with months and months of uninterrupted routine. [ Crew inside. In the command module,, the bald guy pulls out an LP and puts it on a turntable….] No malfunction broke the voyage….
Cellini- You already said that. You’re on my time now.
Dr. Russell--As the Extra Probe reached orbit, all contact with Alpha was lost.
Cellini- Look at these readings…Something’s weird here…We must go investigate.
Crewmate 1-what about the manned landing on Extra?
Cellini- Forget it. They forgot to give us any landing gear….
Commercial-
Crewmate 1- Tony? Mr. Cellini? It’s time… Uh, sorry, he had to go. He’s been sitting here for 5 months. I can handle this. Mmm..mmm. How I love Skydiver coffee. [takes a sip and spits out] Geez I hate live commercials!
Cellini- There are ships here that could make the dream of interstellar travel a reality. [Show ships, including Enterprise and Tardis, etc.]
Crewman 2- You mean like the Superswift?
Cellini- Shut up and scan for life signs.
Crewman 2- No lifesigns.
Cellini- Where is everyone?
Crewman1- Maybe this is a conference of all space peoples, and this is just the car park.
Cellini-Then where’s the conference?
Crewman2- Over there. [Babylon 5 is in the background as a Back to the Future 2 style “Babylon 5 Inn sign, which reads “Welcome conference of all space peoples”, slowly floats by.]
Dr. Russell-- And so, they picked a ship and docked. The rest gets weird here and involves an alien creature. I’m sure it’s too way out for you.
Straker- An alien? Was he wearing red?
Dr. Russell-- Only after eating Tony’s crew. Tony then separated from the main ship and put his command module and executed a brilliant slingshot maneuver using Extra’s gravity to return to Earth.
Straker- You mean like Voyager 1 and 2….
Dr. Russell-- Ok, so it was a textbook maneuver. Anyway he managed to survive 18 months in that module before he was found. [Scenes of Tony alone. At one point he Pulls out “Whitman’s Survival Rations Sampler”, as Cellini hallucinates seeing Yoda trying to steal his food.] He was not quite dead yet when found.
[Present ]Cellini- I got better.
Dr. Russell—Yes, but his Flight data recorder cast serious doubts on his story, because it quit working when the doors opened into the alien vessel.
[Present] Cellini- It was either the flight data recorder or the microwave popcorn. I was hungry and there was only one outlet….
Dr. Russell-- I visited him in the hospital to examine his mental state. I didn’t get far…
Cellini- Tentacles, bloodsuckers, piano wire…the whole concocted story is true. You must believe me.
Dr. Russell-- I Couldn’t get anywhere with him. Even though it was as hard to believe in as Father Christmas, he stuck to his story in a fanatical state of mind. [While she is speaking, Father Christmas has walked in, and gives both gifts. Tony opens his, which turns out to be a rubber space monster. Santa laughs…Tony slugs him.]
Straker- You couldn’t get anything out of him? Too bad SHADO wasn’t operational then…We knew how to get stuff out of our patients…
[Straker’s flashback] Straker-All right doctor….We know he can hear us. We need information [leaning down to alien] that only you can provide. Like the strength of your forces…and who’s your tailor. I want a red suit. [pauses] Won’t cooperate, eh? Doctor why don’t you pump him full of the new antidyne drugs and see if that will loosen his tongue?
Dr. - But commander, these haven’t even been used on lab rats!
Straker- Then it’s time we tested them for the rats!
[He gives shot…alien screams and dies…..]
Dr. - He’s dead.
Straker- How soon can you do an autopsy?
Dr. - About 12 hours.
Straker- you’ve got 10 minutes.
[Dr. - pulls up chainsaw and starts….]
Straker [in office, DB enters] Well?
Dr. -As near as I can tell, he was killed by a chainsaw.
Straker- Another one??? We need to push for a ban on chainsaws then, don’t we?
[Present ] Straker- Yep, we knew how to get things out of our patients. You were saying Dr. Russell?
Dr. Russell--[puts away air sick bag]….Where was I? Oh yes….Tony stuck to his story all the way to Commissioner Henderson’s office…
Henderson- [to Tony, K and S] You are so grounded. Ms. Eland, show these guys out. How is the election going?
Ms. Eland- Not to well for us. Simmons is ahead by 20%
Henderson- 20%!!! How? The guy’s a drunken bum.
Ms. Eland - Maybe, but he didn’t appoint some guy who was found in your office chair drunk and naked to defend Earth against alien attacks.
Henderson- Bah!!!
Dr. Russell-- Although grounded Koenig and Bergman were eventually reassigned to Alpha. Koenig, who felt guilty…a little…found a way for Cellini to get back to Alpha…
Koenig-- [This needs to be a video phone call] Cellini, Listen man, I’ve got it all figured out. You are banned for life from being a government-enlisted astronaut, right? What if you became a commercial astronaut?
Cellini- Like Pan Am would hire me?
Koenig--- No, hear me out. Bergman knows this guy who had his own Eagle, and went missing on the Astro 7 mission. He knows how you can get it cheep from his distraught widow!
Dr. Russell-- And so Cellini’s Taxi service was born. Meanwhile I got a good deal on a rusted out Eagle. Cellini got stuck on Alpha on September 12, 1999, after attempting to bring Commissioner Simmons to the base. It seems he let the Commissioner fly it in exchange for a blind date with Sandra.
Simmons- I haven’t had this much fun since I burned Gramma’s wig!
Cellini- You too? [Eagle crashes into fireplug]
Straker- So every one was back on Alpha on the big day 10 years ago. [Flashbacks, including Simmons and Cellini pinned down in Eagle. Simmons is slowly sliding his arm across the floor reaching out to….his bottle. This by the way, explains where Simmons was during Breakified]
Dr. Russell-- And we pretty much forgot about it all until..
Straker- Now?
Dr. Russell-- No, you don’t get off that easy.
Koeing- Dr. Russell, can I come in? [door opens and he immediately enters] Here. Sorry.
Dr. Russell-- How thoughtful. Wow, plastic roses in an un-candle container. Any candy?
Koenig--- Shoot. [leaves]
Dr. Russell-- Several years out into space, about 865 days later,…at least I think it was… …Tony began to act as though his monster was catching up with him again. He wound up here, and I told this same story to no one in particular. Amazingly, the space conference had moved in space and had caught up with us once more. We tried to investigate Tony’s abandoned ship, but he beat us there and was engaged in fighting the monster when we got there. But it was too late. As John and Victor struggled to kill the creature, they made a discovery.
Straker- Yes?
Dr. Russell--The creature didn’t like Italian.
[Creature spits and disappears, Tony flies across floor.]
Dr. Russell-- This creature may have survived for all we know. Cellini thinks he can sense its presence. I on the other hand think that he’s lost it, as it would be just a little to weird for us to meet up with the monster a third time. It would be like a really bad sequel.
Koenig-- Here. [Hands her the chocolate]
Dr. Russell-- Ok, you’re forgiven.
Nina- Nina to Straker. Hey Ed, you said you’d be back in five minutes. You better hurry. I’m still taking 30 minutes, and 10 other people wanna go to lunch too.
Straker- Gotta go.
Cellini- I’ll be passing out conveniently now…ZZZZZ
[Lights go dim…then an announcement.]
Announcement- Attention Alpha personnel: At this time the main power plant is undergoing testing. To keep everyone as stress free as possible, we will be piping through soft, romantic music during the test. [Music begins]
Koenig--- So… I’m out of trouble?
Dr. Russell-- Looks that way. Come here.
[They move in to kiss and….]
Sandra- Commander Koenig--, Doctor Russell, and any patients in Medical Center….Purple alert. Please come to Command Center….
Koenig--- [Like Homer] Lousy Purple alert.
Command Center
Sandra-We have a contact, Commander.
Koenig--- Let’s see it.
Dr. Russell--You mean they have to get permission to turn on the big screen?
Koenig--- It’s my way of reminding them who’s in charge.
Sandra- Coming up now, Commander. [Under her breath] And we all know you’re in charge.
[On main screen we see a graveyard of ships]
Koenig--- Any life signs?
Sandra- No life signs.
Cellini- There never was.
Sandra- There’s the…..
Tourist 1- The Extra probe…..
Koenig--- Excuse me… What are you doing here?
Tourist 2- Spacediver is in for an upgrade and we left the tour guide in the hanger bay.
Carlin- Pant…Pant…Ok, so you found your way to Command Center, did you? Well, that’s just ducky. On the main screen you’ll see the lost Extra Probe….
Tourist 1 - Seen it. We’ve also spotted the Nostromo, the Event Horizon, and the USS Constellation.
Carlin- Yes…well.. I’m going to kill them.
Straker- [Enters] Carlin…Spacediver is ready for action. Report there at once. And Carlin…Loose the tourists.
Carlin- All right. If everyone will follow me, our tour continues down this corridor.
Over here you’ll see…[they begin to slowly exit]
Tourist 2- A com post!
Carlin- Yes, It’s a Communication Post….
Cellini- Commander, how have these ships found us yet again?
Koenig-- Maybe they’ve locked on to the moon, and have only enough power to follow us, but not enough to catch up. But someone or something could be close enough to make contact and lure Cellini back to the Extra probe. It sounds like his story has more credibility than ever!
Dr. Russell-- And that would explain why Tony has been having nightmares….Jeez Cellini, all those times I had you committed….You were just being yourself, scared out of your wits. How can you ever forgive me?
Cellini- That’s all right Doctor, I forgive you. All I ever wanted was to be believed…And get movie rights.
Koenig-- A hideous, alien killing machine terrorizing people on a spaceship in deep space. Oh come on, now, who’d pay to see that?
Straker- So, I guess you and Cellini are going out to the Extra probe to look for answers and give him the chance to seek revenge on the alien who supposedly destroyed his crew. Splattering their bloody, mutilated remains all over the harsh, cold interior of the Probeship. Spleens splayed and intestines draped from the ceiling like some sick party decorations. Body parts, still warm and steaming. Some on the floor, awaiting the careless step of a klutz, who the will fall and split open his head, spilling out his tiny brain, like some small, undercooked, rotten, cauliflower. Yes, Mr. Cellini, you’re a lucky man to be given a third chance to face your advisory….Mr. Cellini? Tony?
Koenig--- Thanks Ed. Now who’s going to go with me…..Oh no. No, no , no…
Straker- Can you think of anyone better qualified to deal with aliens? Straker to SHADO… Prepare two interceptors…
Koenig--- It’s a long trip, Ed. We’re going to need a long-range vehicle.
Straker- We’ve got those, too.
Koenig--- Where?
Straker- They’re all out on patrol…Come to think of it, I haven’t heard form any of those since….about 1987.
Koenig--- Carter…Have Alpha space dock prepare Probe 9 in outer space.
Corridor
Carlin- If you’ll step Right this way, You’ll see…..
Tourist 1 [Pointing to sign]- The Eagle simulator!
Carlin- Yes…It’s the Eagle simulator..If everyone will step inside and take a seat.
[Everyone enters and Carlin closes the door behind them. He then removes Eagle simulator sign to reveal…Travel Tube, out of order sign…..Mayhem ensues.
Carlin- I hope you all enjoy the Eagle simulator. Be sure to visit the gift shop on your way out….
Launch pad
[We see bon voyage party and then the boarding of Koenig and Straker]
Koenig-- Goodbye Alpha. We hope to arrive back, if the alien doesn’t kill us and eat our remains for lunch.
Straker- Yes and spit out the parts it finds tasteless.
Koenig--- Then you have a chance.
[Eagle lifts off, slowly and solemnly , inside there is much sorrow….Then another Eagle swoops down to the same pad, and slams down carelessly. Inside we see the main hatch open. Out comes Mariachi music, a few balloons and some confetti. Off step Maya and Tony S. a bit too happily. They look at the mourning crowd…]
Tony S.- Did I miss anything?
[We see a very busy spacestation in moon orbit, with a probeship or two attached.]
Dr. Russell-- And so they were shuttled to the Alpha space dock where….
Koenig--- All right doctor. No narration. Remember? You promised.
[Eagle arrives]
Straker- What’s this little room, an airlock?
Koenig--- No, it’s a high-speed transport pod. It will take us straight to the probeship, bypassing customs and Atlanta.
Straker- That’s a time saver.
Koenig--- And it’s built by the same company that built the travel tubes.
[Set begins to shake…..Exterior station, we see tiny blip in the tube zip toward probe. We hear ,”Ahhhhh!”.]
Koenig and Straker- get up inside Probe CM.
Tony S- John? Have you finished your checklist?
Koenig-- Checklist?
Straker- Just hit the power up button and say ‘ yes’.
Koenig--- Affirmative Tony.
Tony S- Good, liftoff is in t-10 minutes, so strap yourselves in and we’re going to hand you over to ALC.
Koenig--- ALC? What is that?
Tony S- That’s Alpha Launch Control. Actually, it’s a bunch of former NASAR gang members who asked for launch duty of our new fleet of probeships.
Straker- NASAR?
Koenig--- I think it stood for National Aeronautics and Space Administration…..Ruffians, I think.
[Show exterior of NASAR/ALC Launch Center…it’s a bunch of old Lunar Modules hooked together. Interior is stock from UFO, “The Man Who Came Back” [?] ” NASA” launch control. Probe launches. Inside we see John’s cheeks with air jets, producing the famous rippling effect…then we pan over to a very relaxed looking S, who tells him to knock it off.]
Straker- Ok, John. We’re clear of Alpha traffic. Lets kick in the advanced Queller Drive and get there fast.
Koenig-- Good idea, but we’ve got to be clear of Alpha before we kick in the Queller Drive.
Straker-How far away?
Koenig-- About 6 Billion miles.
Straker- What? How far is the graveyard of ships?
Koenig-- 5 and a half Billion miles. Don’t worry, we’ve got great tried and true chemical engines that kick quite a punch.
Straker- So how long are these chemical rockets going to make this trip?
Koenig-- Oh, about three months.
Straker- What? You rooked me into a three month round trip?
Koenig-- No Ed, It takes three months just to get there. But look at the bright side, we may not have to take the trip back. And besides, you should see the rest of the ship. It’s really quite comfortable. It’s even got Hologram HDTV.
Straker- We’ve got HHDTV?
Koenig-- Of coarse Ed, this is 2009, everyone has HHDTV. It’s just through this hatch. Say where’s the open hatch button?
Straker- Don’t you know?
Koenig-- I assumed it was on this wall, near this poster….say Ed, what’s the deal with the Happy Ellis poster?
Straker- I figured if we were going to be on such a long trip, I’d need some inspiration. I had quite a crush on her.
Koenig-- Didn’t we all.
Straker- She had trouble getting dates while she worked at SHADO. Then she changed her first name. She was married to Mr. Harlington a week later. I had to play games, pretending to run the studio while they went for picnics in the park…..
Koenig--That’s great Ed, but where’s the open hatch button?
Straker- John, I don’t see one anywhere. It means were trapped!
Koenig-- I’ve got it! We just put on space suits, go outside, enter thought the other section, and open the door from the other side!
Straker- Great. Where are the suits?
Koenig-- Oh yeah. They’re through that door.
Straker- I suppose the food is back there too. So now we’ll starve.
Koenig-- Oh no, we’ve got emergency rations. This thing acts as a lifeboat in case the crew gets eaten, just like Cellini’s ship.
Straker- So lets inspect that supply locker.
[They open it and discover Tang, A can opener, and beans. There is also a half used can of air freshener.]
Koenig & Straker- Ahhhhh!!!! [cut to exterior]
Koenig- And they said no one could hear that.
Command Center
Tony S- Now that I’m in charge they’ll be a few changes. When John gets back, we’ll have a few surprises waiting on him. Technical section, do you have a go for the plans I sent you?
Voice- You don’t mean?!!
Tony S -Yes I do. Get started right away. You’ll never know when this will come in handy.
Voice [Marvin] - All right, but I’m sure I won’t like it.
Tony S - The rest of you….Party time!!!! Come over here Maya. It’s snugglebunny time.
Carter- Uhg.
Maya- Oh Tony. Let me become more comfortable first [Turns into python as she slips into his lap. Exterior Alpha, Tony screams. Maya says’ “oops.”]
Probe
Straker- So I’ve beaten you at FreeCell 12,786 times John. Why don’t you give up?
Koenig--- Hey I’ve won at least 11 of those games….there’s always hope. Just like I say on Alpha every time we pass an Earth type planet.
Straker- Oh really, John. So why haven’t you settled on one of those worlds?
Koenig--- Usually we find out the worlds were compatible only after we’d past them. That’s why we began the construction of long-range probes, so we could begin scouting out worlds before the moon arrived at them.
Straker- Yes, but I’m talking about the past. Seems to me you just want to stay in charge.
Koenig--- I do not.
Straker- So, retire.
Koenig--- No, you retire, Big Man. Big Ed Straker commander of SHADO. Big man!!
Straker- Ha. Who are you to talk. You Big Cheese. The head of Alpha and resident dictator.
[ext. probe, we hear fighting. When we cut back to the interior, they are bruised and bandaged.]
Straker- You never answered my question. Why have you allowed so many Earth type wolds slip by? The first one we came to seemed good to me. What was it….Ultra Cool?
[Use many clips here]
Koenig-You mean Terra Delta. The one with all the Exotic birds and pools of pure V-8.
Straker- So tell me, what was wrong with that world?
Koenig--- It tended to explode every few hours.
Straker- Ok, so what about Piri?
Koenig--- The one with that robot that looked like Maya? It drained the brains of everyone who stayed there, and the only thing to eat were those Styrofoam balls.
Straker- Zenno?
Koenig--- It was…Too purple.
Straker- Uh Huh.
Koenig---People would have talked…..
Straker- Ultima Thule?
Koenig-- Cold, so very cold, and you couldn’t leave once you stayed for a while.
Straker- Fine. Well what about Delta? You know the one with all the James Bond lookalike babes.
Koenig-- The ones who wore the tight rubber suits.
Straker- Yep.
Koenig-- Lousy war.
Straker- Ok. Maybe you’re right. But it still seams like we passed up a bunch of good worlds.
Koenig--- Ed, I want a home for our people, one where you don’t get tried for murder if you eat a salad, or where the rocks don’t attack you or where the alien babes aren’t armed with sonic whips. That’s not much to ask for. I mean we don’t want to do it half way…forgetting any details. Speaking of which, you’ve forgotten a few details yourself over the years, I’ll bet.
Straker- No, not me. Except for ….something I was supposed to cut off before I left Earth. What was that? Oh Yeah. [Skeleton in orange car, still going in circles.] Well that’s all I’ve forgotten. Except for those people in the trailer park we forgot to administer amnesia drugs to…and those big transports for the mobiles that had SHADO spelled out in huge letters….and that thing with just one missile for the interceptors…..Well sometimes John it’s just difficult.
Koenig-- So you think it’s difficult, eh Straker, well I’ll tell you when it gets difficult…..
Straker- Oh, here goes the Big Cheese again. Ok, Commander Perfect, why didn’t we try to settle on that ringed planet called Sigma Aphrodite?
Koenig-- There’s no such place. We haven’t been past any habitable ringed planets. I’d remember that.
Straker- That’s the one with the rainbow pulsating sky, floating cities, fat free barbecue, and gorgeous women who were wild about space explorers.
Koenig--When did we pass this planet?
Straker- Right before we passed Psycon. Oh yeah….You were all still out while we were resetting the clocks and erasing your short-term memory. Sorry, meant to tell you about it later. Maybe we should just play FreeCell.
Alpha Command Center- [Party is going on, even Maya is drinking, and changing into hideous things in the background.]
Tony S- Hey technical section, how’s it going?
Voice- Almost done, dude.
Tony S- Computer, Activate main control unit through this station.
Computer- You are too drunk….
Probe
Koenig--- Visual sighting….wow what a collection of ships. Since we’re fairly sure there is an alien presence here that we need to try to contact, let’s try to make contact.
Straker- Something’s not right here….
Koenig- Oh come on. Don’t be paranoid. What could be worse than the last three months?
Straker- You’ve got a point.
Koenig- Luckily, Maya has helped us build a translator device. With luck we should be able to talk the alien out of killing us before we dock.
Straker- Why don’t we just not dock and go in guns a’blazing?
Koenig- Quiet Ed….This is the experimental probeship Yellowjacket to any alien lifeforms. Can you receive us?
[On screen- Creature appears and begins screaming]
Koenig- Ok, It will take the computer just a moment and….
Creature- [Screaming fades and speech begins.] You must see our selection to believe it. We’ve got hundreds of used spacecraft at below factory invoice! I’ll make you a deal you can’t refuse.
Straker- So much for intelligent life. I know just what kind of Alien this is. One that looks on other worlds not with wonder, but with malice and greed. Capturing ships and eating their crews, just to sell the ships to other aliens and eat their crew, once payment has been received.
Koenig- I think he’s transmitting a message..ewww.. a used spaceship message. [We see an alien ad.]
Straker- Do we have any space sickness bags in this crate?
Koenig- Wait a minute…I think were getting a sales pitch.
Alien- Have I got a deal for you…I see you like exploration vessels. I’ve got a beauty flown through space only on weekends by a little old lady alien from Sigma Aphrodite.
[Show Probeship] How about it?
Koenig- I don’t think so. That’s one of our probeships, and it’s missing the command module! I think you’re trying to rip us off. Come on Ed, let’s go over to that used spaceship lot on Psycon.
Straker- But John, Psycon blew uhhhhh….I mean sure John, Mentor will make us a better deal. [Under his breath] Ok John, lets haul. We’ve got all the answers we need. When we get back to Alpha we’ll launch a massive attack and….
Alien- Wait, don’t go! You won’t get a better deal anywhere else. You are creatures of taste and refinement. I see that now. I’ve got just the probe for you. Go to these coordinates and take a test launch.
Koenig--- We’ve really got to go.
Alien- Please….I’ve got to make a sale. I’ve got 92 mates and 20,987 sporelings to feed. At least take a look for old Garthon. Hey, I’ll tell you what, just for looking, I’ll throw in a toaster.
Koenig--- A toaster? Hmm.
Straker- John, wait. Don’t be lured by the promise of free appliances!
Alien- And a microwave. A toaster and a Microwave.
Straker- We really should take a test spin. Ok, we’ll take a look.
[Probeship moves in on new, sleek looking alien probe.]
Koenig--- [Whistles] Wow. Well, she looks fast.
Alien- She make the Kessle run in less than three parsecs.
Straker- Wait a minute. Is that fog?
[fog rolls in]
Koenig- I’ll check the Space Weather Channel .
Alien- Hey, I didn’t say you could touch that dial!!
Announcer- Well now lets look at the Ion storm update in the Gamma quadrant.
Koenig- Is it just me, or do they spend a whole lot more time talking about the Gamma quadrant than where we are? I can never get a good local space weather forecast when I need one.
Straker- John, That probe looks a lot bigger than it needs to be. My hunch is that it’s really some kind of tanker or freighter.
Koenig- Scanning….You’re right Ed. It’s much larger and loaded down with…something. I’ve got a feeling we can kiss that sweet toaster good bye.
Straker- I’ve got a feeling about this ship, that it’s hiding something…uh huh, there’s the other one tucked in nice and neat.
Koenig--- Why would the alien need tankers in a used spaceship lot? After all, the ships we’ve looked at aren’t going anywhere. It’s like he’s supplying a fleet…
Straker-…A battle fleet. Red alert! Launch the interceptors, and put Spacediver in the picture!
Koenig- Ed….We’re a long way from base. It would be better if we quietly left.
Alien- No!!! You will not leave! You must get closer to the tanker-I mean Probeship!
Koenig- Thanks but no thanks; we’re going to keep what we’ve got. It’s been a blast, though!
Alien- No free toaster. No Free microwave.
Straker- Get moving John. If we dock we’re lunchmeat! He wants to lure us aboard, now that he knows we aren’t buying and eat us. And I’m not Italian.
[Yellowjacket turns. Then from out of the tankers come UFOs]
Koenig- Fire the main laser while I turn her around. [laser fires weakly as probe turns] Activating Queller drive! [engine ignites, alien ships begin to melt away]
Alien- No!!!! My beautiful junkyard, destroyed….{screams in agony] My agents will track you down….And I may or may not be dead yet….I may be back….[fades away]
Straker- Great, we’re still being pursued by a fleet of UFOs, and all we have is one measly laser.
Tony S- John…can you read me?
Koenig- Tony!! Where are you? We’re in trouble. Can you send help? Answer the last question first.
Tony S-Help’s not on the way. Help is here!! Short burst, domes 3 and 5. [Button is pushed and nuclear waste domes explode.] We can steer the moon John!!
[We see UFOs closing in on Yellowjacket…Then up form behind comes the moon using Sneaky Pete shot from ST II. UFO’s stop and retreat.]
[Go to SHADO Base shot]
Freeman- Launch, baby! Yeah!!
[ SHADO rules the battle and does a great job of getting most of the UFOs. Suddenly a UFO flies downward and stops in front of SHADO fleet. On top of the saucer, a poorly disguised pulsating light glows yellow and then turns red.]
Carlin- Must obey space traffic light…..
[A group of UFOs flies past and disappears over the lunar horizon. The light turns green and SHADO fleet comes out of trance.]
Carlin- Hey, where did they go?
Interceptor Pilot 1- Where did they go?
Interceptor Pilot 2- Kill Straker…..
Freeman- Pursue UFOs in search and destroy mode! On the double. Or you’ll have to answer to me. Especially the women.
Interceptor Pilot 2- Kill Straker….
Interceptor Pilot 1- I see them, but they’re out of range.
Tony S- Oh No they’re not!
[From over the horizon Comes an Alpha Attack fleet. UFO’s are heading back toward ship graveyard and back toward SHADO fleet. All but a few are destroyed]
Freeman- I put the Ver-room in Boom, babies, Yeah!!!!
Straker- [bending over John, rudely] Straker to battle fleets, blow up the large tanker ships, in case any of the UFO’s try to return there. Also destroy the Extra Probe! That’s where the monster has his sales office.
Koenig--- Mffbt!
[Tankers are destroyed, but before Extra probe is hit, a UFO swoops in and flashes a light on the probe. It swoops toward Alpha.]
Tony S- Hawks 4 and 6, destroy UFO!
[They do, but only after it releases a smaller craft that slowly lands on Main Mission roof and begins to slowly pulsate.]
Freeman- Take it out Interceptors!
Tony S- Negative! You’ll take out half of Alpha. Security, Red Alert!! Aim all weapons at possible Alien intruder! [Security guards scramble, then we see outside lasers turn toward Alpha.] I just can’t win today!
[An ear-piercing squeal rips through the base, throwing people to the floor, and causing camera angles to be sideways. ]
Sandra- Why must it always sound like this?
[In Command Center the Pulsating light brings with it a very angry screaming alien.]
Tony S- Everybody fire!
[All whip out stun guns and fire…no effect.]
Tony S- Maya, change into something big and mean!
[Maya rises up looks determinedly at the creature and becomes…a caterpillar.]
Tony S- Go to plan C. Send in security guards!
[They enter, and command staff begin shoving them toward the monster who is eating them at an alarming rate.]
Security guard- I knew I should have joined the Space Peace Corps!
Tony S- It’s not working! We need some Italians!
[Everyone looks at him]
Tony S- [Nabs Cellini who is still in his PJ’s] All right Cellini, you got us in this mess, you get us out! [Shoves him toward monster, but Cellini breaks away and runs past monster, tripping on and disconnecting his power cord.]
Cellini- And now, I have faced my monster yet again. This time I won.
Dr. Russell- I suppose we’ll need to ad him to our mythology if we ever settle on a world.
Tony S- That would make him proud. Cellini and the Monster. Sounds kind of flat.
Maya- Like your beer.
Dr. Russell-- No it needs to be simple and to the point. I was thinking maybe of calling it……Alien Predator-the Final Armageddon, Part III.
Koenig--- [cuts in] Tony, that was great. Using the Nuclear waste domes as directional thrusters was a stroke of genius!
Tony S- Not bad for a moonshiner and party animal. I’ll send over an Eagle to pick you up.
Koenig--- Say, was there any structural damage to Alpha? You know we used to evacuate the base when we lit those things.
Tony S-[hits button marked “Radio Shack Reception Crapper Upper” John’s image fades in and out on screen] Sorry John, I couldn’t make that out. Must be interference from the battle.
Koenig- In honor of your excellence leadership, I now promote you to the rank of …captain. Congratulations.
Tony S- [quickly putting away “party items”] Captain Scarlletti? Hmmm. I like the sound of that.
Straker- I like the sound of Colonial Blue, myself. Say John, If he’s a captain, what does that make you?
Koenig--- Ooops.
[Eagle Docks]
Pilot- [enters] there is strange smell here…like someone has…..[covers nose]
Koenig- Sorry, We’ve been trapped in the command module for three months, with nothing to eat but beans. And Tang, retched Tang…..
Straker- You know John, After all the ribbing you’ve given me over the years about only one missile for each interceptor, I’ve been really good not to ask you, until now, what kind of idiot designs a ship with no hatch release to the living quarters of the ship?
Pilot- [walks to Ed’s poster, rips down, pushes button. Hatch opens. K gives look to Ed]
Straker- Oops! Happy Ellis gets me in trouble again…Say John, lets go see what we missed out on.
[They enter huge, cool looking living area, and in each room John gives Ed “the Look”. Finally, they come to the last room which is the entertainment room….then they spot Alpha technical workers, who motion for them to sit on a sofa with them and watch the HHDTV. ]
Straker- Say John, don’t we need to get back to the bases?
Koenig---Yeah, but this is HHDTV. Must watch. And eat cheese curls.
[They sit down, and are watching a Gerry Anderson program. Cut away for Art Ins. School…]
Koenig--- D’oh! Lousy Art School Commercial!
[ Insert “Hours Later” as Eagle Lands….Koenig and Straker ride travel tube, which smashes into Command Center]
[K sits behind desk, and props up feet]
Tony S- [with turtle] Maya, you need to try again. This isn’t you….John, we can go anywhere you want now. Just name the destination and Maya the….slug… will plot a coarse for you.
Dr. Russell- We could go home John! Home, to Earth.
Koenig- Yes we could. Set a coarse for Sigma Aphrodite, Tony.
Dr. Russell-- What?
Koenig- It’s for the fat free Barbecue, I swear. From here on out it’s smooth sailing.
[Cut to Cellini in PJ’s, running down hallway with big gun. [Moon zips out of picture….go to credits]
***********************************************************************
[Use deep voice-WB network sounding voice and BIG sounding dramatic music]
It is a television event unlike any other….it will shock you….it will awe you…it will inspire you….it will amaze you. The most explosive television event since…the same time last year, when we dazzled you with the exciting answer to “Who zapped JK?”
[Bergman shoots Koenig]
Bergman- That’s for ‘Bergmiester’.
[drum roll]
UFO:1999….Year 4. It all begins with six explosive episodes…..
Watch a life and death struggle between Commander Koenig and aliens who have returned from Zeno. His life hangs in the balance as his mind is held captive….
Bergman- Why do they always go for him? I’m the one with the Nobel prize, for crying out loud!
No one knows if he’ll be alive by the end of the show……Then, is it finally wedding bells for Koenig, when a faith healer forces him to chose a woman on Alpha to help him populate his own version of paradise? Earnest Angley guest stars… Who will he marry?
Dr. Russell-- Oh come on now, how hard can it be to choose the right one?
Freeman- Just one? Nearly impossible, baby.
Next take a test flight on an experimental Eagle into a frightening parallel Earth. Allen Carter is home again, and so is the moon. But can he come to terms with the horrible truth?…
Television report- Coming up next, congress and the president slash NASA’s budget to pre-1954 levels. Also the latest Network polls show no one in the country cares. Also, a huge asteroid is headed straight for Earth.
Can Carter get away in time?Person- Hey look, one of them space aliens…[Crowd tries to stop Allen outside Eagle.]
Carter- No, I don’t want to stay here….you’re all morons!!!
Then, watch in terror in an exciting two part cinematic event as Captain Tony Scarlletti is captured by the aliens…and taken on a ride he’ll never forget….
[Aliens shove him into a seat]
Tony S-Hey this isn’t so bad. I think I can handle this!
[We see a UFO take off from the site of a crashed Eagle, and begins to reach full spin. Cut to interior Tony and airsick bag]
A dangerous rescue mission then brings a massive Alien attack on the moon and overwhelms the combined forces of SHADO and Alpha. Straker has only one recourse.
Straker- Yes, Ford, I know it can be difficult but activate Lunar self destruct.
[Hand flips simple toggle stick cheesily attached to a keyboard.]
Tony S- Say Ed, isn’t this overkill?
Straker- I don’t see it that way. Who Knows if we’ll survive?
Watch as Ed Straker gets a second chance to change one of the most tragic events in his life…
[Boy with boat runs out into road shouting “Daddy”. Car speeds toward him….ED steps out of vortex and begins to run in slow motion]
Will Straker change history for personal gain?Straker- Well duh.
Straker Jr.- Major well duh.
Follow the adventures beyond…into the future. Is this the end of the Alpha Oddesy?Sandra- [Older looking] We have reached the turning point. Alpha is dying and we have activated Operation Exodus to a ringed planet with fat free barbecue….SHADO has also evacuated….Alpha was the last Earth base built on the moon. There will never be another [As she speaks, we see the moon slowly exploding….]. It changed us all, unfortunately. I am sending this message back through time and space. Hopefully someone will get it. Good bye, never forget us….
[Fade to CNN breaking news, add date]
Announcer- This just in, a mysterious message from deep space, Miles O’ Brian is standing by. Miles.
Miles
- Well this seems to be coming from a planet called Ultra Cool and could be one of the greatest events in man’s history.
Announcer- Yeah, but too bad it’s a space story. Moving on….
Is it really the end of their journey, or just a really bad dream sequence?Sandra [Waking up] I’ll never tell.