Episode 4
Space Bender
[Note: This was the only completely unfilmed script. It combines Space:1999’s “Space Warp” with UFO’s “Mind Bender” (and bits of other episodes thrown in). Also added was the idea of a gold rock, taken from Terrahawks, which had borrowed the idea from UFO! Allen Carter was always played as Steve Irwin, the crocidial hunter. Though used in other episodes, here we see the idea used extensively.]
Last time…On UFO:1999….Commander Koenig plays classical music and waxes philosophical....
Koenig- Our struggle to survive has long erased…Nope [wads up and throws away] The recent events on the planet Arcadia have revived painful….Nope….When things went bad, it was terrifying…Oh, Koenig, talk about overkill
….Two Commanders and their bases deal with pent up tensions as best they can…
[Interior gym, (Longer version is used in Games O’ War) K & S are dressed as samurai are having it out, SNL style. Or perhaps we could do a similar bit with another sporting event—such as the William Tell bit, interrupted just in time by Don.]
Don Pardo- Commander Koenig, Please come to Command Center straightaway. We have a contact…
.The contact winds up to be an ordinary planet like others they’ve seen before…but it stops them dead in space….[moon screeches to halt, people fly, get hurt in comical ways]…An eagle is sent to the planet to investigate while Alpha loses power…abroad are two very special people mysteriously chosen by computer…[We see eagle landing, people departing, and Koenig carrying a boom box playing classical music]…They find a dead world with familiar looking trees…but then, a cave find stuns them all…[skeletons in cave at picnic table]..They even find Earth hand writing….and read it right off the wall…
99- That’s Sanskrit.
Max- Can you read it?
99- For a good time call….uh, I don’t think I can read the rest of this line.
..But there’s more than just graffiti here…
99- If you find us, help make our world live again.
Max- Of coarse, the old bring life back to our barren world that we destroyed in a holocaust bit!
….But the bones rise and teach 99 and Max a thing or two…[We see them battling the skeletons, Jason style]…Then its time to go home…and Alpha’s energy crisis suddenly slows down, but not soon enough for some…
Mathais[ on screen]- Tony, if you don’t us back enough power, I might as well shoot my patients.
Tony- Well, ok if you think you have to.
..But back on Alpha 99 and Max reveal a new mission..
Max- Commander Koenig we want to live on that world.
Koenig-With our power problems we won’t have enough supplies to give you and keep Alpha alive.
Max- I said we want to live on the planet.
Koenig- And I said no.
Max- Why?
Koenig- Because I said so.
Max- But John…
Koenig- No
Straker- Go to your room now.
Koenig- I’ll handle this Ed.
…Soon tension mounts…[Show Samurai Briefly]..And gives Max and 99 the chance to make their get away…
Max[laser on Dr. Russell]- I want an Eagle, a green moon buggy and supplies to last us five years, or the doctor gets it.
Koenig-Yellow.
Max- what?
Koenig-Moon buggies only come in yellow.
Max- Follow us in an unarmed eagle and I’ll return Dr. Russell. Koenig, if you try anything, you’ll bring down the terrible forces of Chaos and destruction!
…Now all must put their faith in a mad man not to harm Dr. Russell….
99- You can come along side now, Col. Freeman.
Freeman- Yeah, Baby! And I do like your sides.
Max- Now we’ll dock.
99-We don’t have a docking tube, do we?
Max- Would you believe it will magically appear?.[Suddenly the docking tunnel appears.]
….But Koenig has to get the supplies back and prepares to launch pursuit Eagles…before they can get off the moon, Alpha’s power suddenly comes up and the moon suddenly is moving again…[Moon screeches off]...Max and 99 are stranded and can only watch as the moon recedes in the sky…Alpha mourns their loss..[Scenes of party on Alpha]
That’s Last time on UFO:1999!
Dr. Russell- Dear Diary-
Last night John came to see me again. This time the evening began with flowers and ended with him flying through my doorway and landing in the hall covered with those same flowers. The details…Oh I’ll give you details…….[In a flashback, we see a gravity control switched to the off position, and Koenig thrown through doors in slow motion..]…..Wait just a minute, This is the wrong recording device.
Alpha Status report. 1393 days since leaving Earth’s orbit, give or take a few months. Commander Koenig, and Tony Scarlletti are investigating a derelict spacecraft that has suddenly appeared in our skies and seems to be hovering right above us. Meanwhile Medical center is quiet and peaceful and bathed in a lovely blue light [we see Space Precinct car outside building with lights on.]. There have only been two minor exceptions. Our science officer Maya has contacted a nasty case of hick-ups, which will not go away, and Commander Koenig was treated for injuries sustained while ……Playing…uh…wresting with a strange space creature that disappeared as soon as it had appeared. That’s all.
Maya- Helena, you’ve got to help me. Hic. I need to be restrained. I’m Hic dangerous. They’re getting stronger and I may loose molecular control. Hic.
DR. Russell-Maya, don’t worry about it. You just need to drink another couple of gallons of lukewarm water. Mmmmm. [She holds up water cooler jug]
Maya- Hic.
[Eagle shown approaching spacecraft, Koenig is flying it, so it is swaying quite a bit. Tony is looking a bit green.]
Koenig- Koenig to Alpha. We’re approaching the ship. Looks deserted. No sign of weapons fire. Looks abandoned..sort of like a puss infested old band aid, floating in a pool.
Tony- [he grabs an Alpha space sick bag…and]
[Meanwhile over at SHADO]
SID- UFO approaching SHADO, Low on the horizon. Trying to hide in the light of a rising sun. Boy what an old trick. You’d think by now these bright aliens would realize we have radar….
Straker- Shut him up. And Launch the interseptors. And get me Moonbase.
Bergman- Which moonbase?
Straker- Alpha.
Bergman- Sorry sir. Sometimes it’s difficult.
Straker- So you think it’s difficult, ay Victor. I’ll tell you when it gets difficult. That’s when..[He realizes they are being watched and looks up. They appear on the Alpha main screen.]
Carter- Yeah, whattya want?
Straker- There’s a UFO headed your way. Say where is everybody? Who’s in charge?
Carter-I am..I guess. Everybody else is out. You take care of the UFO and I’ll wrestle any aliens that get through, OK?
[Interseptors launch, but UFO explodes before they arrive.]
Straker- Good work interceptors.
Pilot- But sir, we didn’t fire.
Straker- What?
Carter- Carter here, I got tired of waiting, so I got your UFO for you. I was just sitting here bored out of my mind and thought maybe shooting down a UFO might be a blast. Besides, I thought maybe there might be a really strong alien inside and I could go out and wrestle him to the ground. True he’s no crock, but seeing as how we haven’t found anything but English speaking aliens everywhere we’ve been and not a crocodile in sight….
Straker- Good, captain, you do that.
Bergman- Commander do you think that’s such a good idea?
Straker- Someone’s got to mind the store, so we’ll just transfer command to Alpha. Let him go wrestle an alien if he wants.
Bergman-Ed…..
Koenig- moving in to dock.
Maya- Hic…hic…hic! Ahhhhhh [she transforms into-----]
Straker- Ah..that’s better. It’s about time I got a decent desk.
[they hit the space warp…Things spin, people fall, Maya hick ups loudly and begins to transform into different animals and creatures.]
Straker- Is everyone ok? Lets get the power back up. And get me some Skydiver Coffee.
Carter- [Enters room in space suit] Wow! What a wild ride that Crock gave me!
Straker- Did you capture an alien? I'd like to find just one who will answer a few questions without dying on us.
Carter-No. No aliens, Ed. But look I found gold!
Straker- Great Allen. Just what good is it going to do anybody? Alpha Credit Union only has about $12.63 in its safe. Why that gold is worthless. Bergman, what was that?
Bergman- Ed, I have no Idea. It probably was another space warp.
Carter-What about the commander and Tony?
Bergman- They’re probably light years away. Someone get the lights.
Straker- They’re already out.
Bergman- Good. As you can see in the first illustration, here is where we were. In the second you can see where we are now. In the third we see both locations.
Straker- Good, we’re only a few inches from where we were.
Bergman-Ed….It’s an illustration, not to scale. We’re 12 light years from our last location.
Straker- And Koenig’s on the other side, with no way to get back?
Bergman-Yes.
Straker- So…I’ll have to take permanent command of Alpha. John would have wanted it that way.
Bergman- Ed….
[Dr. Russell is struggling against a large monster that is breaking out of its bindings.]
DR. Russell-Maya, you have to change back….Security, get in here, now.
[Security rushes in and promptly shoots at Dr. Russel. ]
DR. Russell- Not me, you idiots, her. [Hic…transforms into caterpillar]
Security 1- What? That thing?
DR. Russell-She’s sick and very dangerous.
Security 2- Ok. I’ll see if I can restrain her. [ picks up jar from shelf, and places caterpillar in it.] Be sure and punch some air holes. Bye now. [they snicker to each other and leave]
[Door closes, we hear sound of breaking glass, a scream, and a cry for help. Security guards look at each other and shrug]
Straker- I guess Dr. Russel’s never heard the one about the boy who cried caterpillar.
[Inside med center, we see Dr. Russel backing up, we hear breathing. Then we cut to Darth Vader, who activates a light saber. Cut to both in same shot.]
Maya- I want to know how to get to Psycon. I must save it from the Death st-Hic.
[Meanwhile on the eagle]
Koenig- It could only mean one thing. A space warp. Or a black sun. Or we’re dreaming.
Tony- Who cares what it’s called, can we get back to Alpha? Where do we go to find help?
Koenig- First we have to carefully consider all options.
[wide shot eagle and alien spaceship together against empty space- quick shot]
Koenig- Ok, let’s dock.
Tony- I sure hope there’s a breathable atmosphere in there, and normal gravity. I sure hope they speak English. What are the odds of that happening?
Koenig- Astronomical.
Tony- I’m reading a breathable atmosphere, normal gravity, and an airlock just our size.
Koenig & Tony- [look at camera] Hmmm.
[Eagle docks]
[Doors to Med. Center open, cat walks out and rubs against legs of security guards. Close up reveals a familiar face on the cat. (Cat looks like Maya) Cat then walks out of picture, and around corner. We hear Hic and then monster sounds. Helena crawls out of MEDICAL CENTER]
DR. Russell-After her, she’s dangerous.
[Guards look at one another and laugh. They go around corner…we hear a roar and hear the yell of the guards. Hic…frog sounds]
Straker- So, you think we should launch a refueling eagle and keep it in a station keeping mode near the area of the space warp.
Bergman- If they do find a way through the space warp, they’ll need refueling to get back to Alpha.
Straker- Ok, Allen see to it personally, or you’ll answer to me.
Carter- Eagle bay, prepare to launch rescue ship with refueling pod. Say Commander Straker, care if I go outside to the UFO crash site? I’d like to see if I can find more of this gold…[picks up gold rock and begins to look strangely at every one…then a smile breaks over his face…]
Carter-All right.[rushes toward Ed]
Straker- Captain Carter….Allen what’s wrong? I said..[he gets tackled and goes down]
[cut to scenes of Crocodile Hunter]
Dr. Russel- [on speaker] Russel to command center….what’s going on? What was all that shaking?
Bergman- It was a space warp. [we cut back and forth from med center to command center. In command center background we see Carter and Straker having it out.]
Dr. DR. Russell-John?
Bergman- I’m sorry Helena, but John and Tony are on the other side of it.
DR. Russell- Phew! That’s a relief. Listen, we’ve got problems down here. Maya’s hick ups are becoming worse. Each hiccup brings a new transformation. At the moment she’s restrained [Shot of frog tied down] but that could change at any moment. We need additional security.
Straker [Carter is on top of him. Ed’s face is being squashed] We’re a little busy right now. I’ll send help as soon as I can get some myself. Out.
Tony- The atmosphere is equalized, the air is definitely breathable, no signs of life detected.
John- Let’s open her up. You go first.
[doors open and they walk into interior of trashed ship]
Tony –Must have been some party.
John- Great. Just great. We found a fraternity ship. Well…Let's find the bridge.
Tony- Bridge?
John- Sorry, I mean the control room [winks at camera]. I think it’s this way. [points to sign that says “Control Room” with arrow]
Tony- What luck, these aliens speak English too!
DR. Russell- Maya, you’ve got to drink more water. Ben, give me a hand.
Ben- But I’ll get warts.
DR. Russell- Maya has never given anyone warts, and she doesn’t have warts.
Ben-What about her eyebrows?
[They look at each other and put on gloves. Before they are finished….hic…big creature appears and roars]
Ben-nice froggy….[but creature breaks out of belts and heads for both.]
Helena screams- No Maya, no. [she begins trashing Ed center. Dr. Russel comes at her with a rolled up newspaper] Bad Maya, bad.[But she is thrown down as Maya escapes. R crawls to Com post] Command center….Maya’s on the loose. She’s about 7 feet tall, green and scaly. She may be trying to reach Psycon. Command center? Come in!
[R’s message continues into this shot of everyone in command center all tied up. Carter looks at the camera.]
Carter- Now I’ve got them all tied up, safe and sound for transport back to their natural habitat. [R’s message repeats] Wow. Sounds like someone needs my help.
[Leaves everyone all tied up and trying to cry for help.]
Koenig- Ok, if I were a doorknob where would I be? We’ve looked everywhere for the button that opens this hatch for the last hour and it isn’t anywhere. Where’s the door button? Where’s the door button? [STII gag]
[Tony shakes head and leans against wall, pressing a red square, which opens the door.]
Koenig- Interesting….[weird music]
Tony- John, I think this is what you are looking for. [points to orange desk with words “Big Cheese” printed on it]
Koenig- Film strip canisters? Huh? (looks at camera, we faintly hear crew talking to him) Ohhh…Look Tony, these are the alien data cylinders we’ve been looking for.
Tony- And they say my acting is wooden!
Koenig- All we have to do is find how to play them, and we’re out of here.
Tony- It’s probably one of these holes. [Show board full of different shaped holes]
[Alpha hallway, we see a huge creature hicupping and transforming, but looking mean never the less. We see security guards run out, attempt to shoot the creature, only to be knocked down. Suddenly the creature looks up and spots…a plate of food with sign on it that reads “crocodile chow” or “creature food”. Camera pans over to Carter]
Carter- Now this trick always works. In the wild, sometimes food is scarce. That makes it the best bait. I’ll wait till it takes the bait and wrestle him to the ground…what a beauty. And…now. [He tackles the creature who throws him down….the gold rock falls out of his pocket.] hey…What’s going on? Ah! [passes out]
[Monster rides travel tube----much hick-ups]
[Into COMMAND CENTER strolls Freeman with ladies in tow]
Freeman- Looks like a wild time was had by all! Yeah!
Straker-[muffled] untie us !
Freeman- Can’t understand you Ed…[takes off gag]
Straker- Untie us. Where have you been?
Freeman-Well, all the wild colors and spinning gave me some “recreational” ideas and…
Straker- Never mind, I’m sorry I asked. Now that you’re here though, I do need your help. Head for the technical section and see what you can do to get the power back up.
Freeman-What about the ladies?
Bergman- [Straightening “collar” ] I’ll entertain them for you.
Freeman-Oh behave! I’d like to see that. [Exits]
Carter [ on speaker] Commander Straker, a huge creature is headed for launch pad 4! We need security!
Russel- Ed, it’s Maya. She’s got Psycon hiccups and is delusional. I think she wants to get back home and save her world.
Straker- What’s wrong with that? As I see it, she’d go home and I’d have one less alien to worry about.
DR. Russell-Psycon was destroyed Ed. Remember?
Straker- Oh yes…Allen, see to it that Maya doesn’t get to an eagle. If she gets to one now….we could all be in trouble! Professor Bergman…Bergman…[We see him surrounded by Freeman’s babes all interested in a lecture he is giving.]..
[Shot looking up at Koenig and Tony. K is struggling with something we cannot see just out of view.]
Tony- Try the round one, John.
[Koenig gives him a look, and inserts it into the round hole.]
Travel tube doors open, security personnel run in…to find it empty…we hear a buzzing sound. Ext. pan down launch tube to eagle. We hear buzzing..Hic…roar]
Carter runs into travel tube/ launch pad room.
Carter-Where’d she go?
[they point to eagle]
Carter-Uh oh. All right, bring it down to the hanger. We can get her out there. She’s probably so groggy from the travel tube ride she won’t try anything.
[Eagle descends to hanger]
[Eagle and alien ship]
Orange lampshade alien [on screen] – And so then I said to her..
Koenig-That’s not it either. Try another Tony.
Orange lampshade alien - Attention crew, this is your captain speaking. Whoever took my lunch from the refrigerator must return it at once. No questions asked. In the tradition of our people the guilty party will be spaced.
Tony- And I thought Spectrum was tough!
Koenig- That’s the last one. [Show garbage can full of cylinders]
Tony- Are you sure we looked at them all?
Koenig-Yeah, I’m sure.
Tony- Both sides? [they look at each other, then K lifts up garbage can and tries to insert one] No, John, not the square one, remember?
[Hallway, Alpha- Freeman is be-bopping down the hall when suddenly something catches his eye on the floor. He picks up the gold rock.]
Freeman- Ohh! The babes will really dig this…all I need is a gold chain.
[He continues down the hall and is passed by himself. He suddenly stops and wheels around.]
Freeman-This is shagadelic.
[Eagle hanger, eagle is being picked up by crane.]
Carter-Easy does it!
[Eagle moves forward and takes out airlock door. Then we see that it is being hauled to low. As it passes other eagles, each is bumped and promptly explodes or falls apart. Cut to Carter who is wincing.]
Carter- Lousy interns.
[Eagle is finally set down in parking space, carelessly]
Carter- [To Helena, who has just entered] Ok, we’ve got her down. Everything is under control. She’s not going anywhere.
[Int. eagle, Maya takes off.]
DR. Russell-Oh no. Now we’re in trouble.
[Maya flips on autopilot and leans back to enjoy the ride. The eagle rises up and flies very straight and level through the hanger, and then vertically up the launch pad shaft, leaving it all in flames.]
Carter- Carter to Main Mission, she’s escaped.
Straker- Interceptors…An alien has stolen an eagle, pursue and capture!
[Interceptors pursue]
Orange lampshade alien - Our first mistake was buying a used spacecraft from the Archons. They are an ancient race who has overcome violence, but they cannot be trusted at a used space ship sales lot. We had been using this ship for two days before we realized that part of it was missing…the command section. Anyway, we managed to get the craft to work as well as could be expected, and ordered a device to help us navigate with greater accuracy. Then we Minnons set out on a three-hour tour.
Koenig-A three-hour tour.
Orange lampshade alien - Then we all got bored and threw a wild party. Then we hit the space warp. We screamed in terror so loudly that I lost my voice.
Tony- Sounds just like our story, right John?
Koenig-Uh..sure Tony.
Orange lampshade alien - It happened shortly after I realized my head had swollen inside of the lampshade that mysteriously appeared on my head after I awoke from the party. We tried in vain to find our way back through the space warp with no success. In time our fuel ran out and we were left adrift near the space warp. Wouldn’t you know it, no sooner than we ran out of fuel the lousy galactic post delivered the navigational equipment late as usual. I ordered the stupid thing at star time 6, it is now star light savings time 16.
I leave this message to any English speaking, oxygen breathing aliens who might also find themselves in the same situation. I wouldn’t even wish this on an Archon. The device is still somewhere aboard. The instructions are on cylinder number 8. Most of the crew has vanished without a trace. It is my hope that in the Minnon tradition they ejected their bodies into space, I am sure they would not mind that I will now take the last escape pod in their memory and save my backside.
[He wiggles off the lampshade revealing green skin]
Orange lampshade alien - At last!
[He now dons a familiar red helmet]
Koenig-We owe him for pointing the way.
Tony- What way.. he was as lost as us. Here’s number 8 John.
Orange lampshade alien - [Lampshade on, with ice pack. Scenes of party devistation behind him]
The device is called an “Instumatic”. The info-mercial claimed it could navigate through space warps, as advertised. [K&T gulp] Interface the device into your ships’ navigational controls, link your computer with ours, and then follow this simple conversion formula. [On the screen, a continuos fast scroll of obscenely difficult math formulas flies past.]
Tony- I told you Maya should have come.
Koenig- Shut up Tony. Lets go and find the thing.
[Both begin to open the numerous doorways that line the ship's vast interior. At one point, Tony opens a hatch to reveal Cellini's monster.]
Tony- That's not it.
[They search..and find it, still in the Tayborco box.]
Koenig- Hey here it is. Mint condition, though the lid has been opened. I guess that means we'll have to sell it at a discount.
Tony- John, how do we know this thing really, really works? I mean we’re trusting our lives to a product sold using the cheesiest from of advertising known to man.
Koenig- We don’t have a choice, Tony.
Tony- Hey…It makes hundreds of Julien fries in minutes!
Koenig- Who’s Julien?
[Both look at camera and look puzzled.]
Straker- Interceptor 6, pursue Eagle 3. Shoot it down. Spacediver, launch in case he misses. Mobiles stand ready.
SID- This is overkill, commander.
Straker- Since when do I take orders from you?
DR. Russell-[Runs into Command] That’s Maya! You’ve got to be careful Ed.
Straker- She’s an alien flying an armed and stolen craft. She’s a threat to us all.
DR. Russell-She’s trying to get home, to a world that no longer exists.
Straker- All right, I guess I got a little carried away. I miss the old days. The pursuit of aliens and their various schemes, the 60’s music….Interceptors, disable eagle, do not destroy. Happy doctor?
DR. Russell-Yes, thank you ,Ed.
Straker- Let’s just hope we don’t wake up one day and find body parts once dear to us missing.
[Inersepter fires laser, Eagle Crashes]
DR. Russell- Casualty units to rescue positions.
[People running in space suits past Freeman, who sees only copies of himself running by and saying Alec danger Freeman stuff. They all pass and his smile fades quickly.]
Freeman- So many of me, and no chicks..this is really bringing me down, baby.
[Med center]
Ben- Dr. Russel, we have no way of knowing how to treat this creature. We could kill her with the cure. Shoot, we don’t even know if the anesthesia is doing her any good.
DR. Russell-She’s going down hill and we’re running out of time.
Ben- But we don’t even know what’s inside of her to fix.
DR. Russell-Let’s find out… [she holds up surgical tool] [Life signs monitor goes crazy] Say, I think she can hear us. Maya you’ve got to change now. Maya? Can you hear me? Ok, Here we go [holds up tool again and activates] [she begins to sing] Like a surgeon, cutting for the very first time…
[Maya changes into Curley and spins on the floor. Then she becomes a creature again and leaves Medical Center.]
Freeman wanders into COMMAND CENTER, staggering sadly
Straker- Alec…What happened to you? We’re still need some power in here.
Freeman- [He still sees himself] Here, you swinger with no chance of swinging again, have this Gold rock I found. I was going to put it on a chain, but with no chicks, it’s no use. Oh yeah, maybe this will get the power back on.
[Ed takes both, puts rock in pocket, installs nine volt. Power comes on he turns around to see all personnel with tape recorders, being instructed by Freeman.]
Ed- Amazing things these batteries…I have the strangest feeling…like I'm being watched…
Bergman- Alpha to SHADO Control…Come in SHADO. {Lip sync isn’t correct, so Freeman motions for him to try again, which he does. Freeman is running a tape recorder.]
Straker- What have I done? [takes out battery and runs, only to be pursued by staff, whom he now sees as suited aliens]
[In empty COMMAND CENTER, we see Helena calling for help.
DR. Russell- Command Center, come in…can you hear me? Hello? Maya is on the move again. This time she’s trying to get to Psycon on foot. Hello? We need help.]
[Straker rounds the corner to see Gen. Henderson]
Straker- Henderson! I need some help here. Aliens have taken over the base.
Henderson- I’m tired of hearing your bleating. Poor Straker and his under funded SHADO. Like a bunch of sheep. Bah, bah, bah!!
Straker- [Slugs him, he falls] That will teach you to impersonate sheep. Not on my watch mister.
[Elevator with Maya]
Maya Approaches elevator, gets in, pushes button and begins to impatiently pat her foot as it rises, complete with elevator music. Cut to shot of security guards outside elevator.
Security1- She’s headed to the surface. Let’s get up there. We should check Airlock 14.
[We hear loud hiccup that shakes camera. SGs look at one another, doors open to reveal Darth Vader.]
Maya/Vader- I’ve been expecting you. [They draw stun guns, which he whisks away] Come in.
[They board and all stair ahead. Hic….Maya turns into self and is delighted. Guards do a double take, she hands back guns. Ext. elevator doors close …Hic…Doors open guards fan out and some sort of creature walks out. Maya approaches airlock and closes interior doors. Then Ed runs up.]
Straker- Come on come on….this place is crawling with aliens…got to get away. [Holds up huge gun.]
[Tony enters eagle command module]
Tony- John, The computers are linked, I think were ready to go. You should see some of the images I’ve downloaded.
[Both look at screen, which we don’t see. Their mouths drop open, and heads move sideways.]
Koenig-No way. That’s impossible.
[Beep]
Koenig-Oh, the fries are up!
[Holds bowl under instumatic, which begins to dispense fries through both sides of the openings on its top. K slides bowl back and forth, missing a bunch.]
Koenig- Have some?
Tony- Thanks. [Both chew and get weird looks of yuck!]
Tony- We’re in serious trouble, aren’t we?
[Ext. Eagle]
Tony- One down to green.
Koenig-One down to green.
Tony- Blue times 3
Koenig- Blue times 3
Tony- That’s it. I hope we got it right. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been good at advanced color algebra.
Koenig- [Gulps]
[Dr R and Carter are in a moon buggy.]
DR. Russell-Come on Allen, Maya only can hold that form…
Carter- For an hour. Yes I know. There she is.
DR. Russell-Maya…Maya.. Come back we want to help you. Come on. Come on. I’ve got a fresh liver for you.
[Maya approaches and is almost getting in the buggy when laser fire explodes behind them. ]
Carter-Look out, the rocks are exploding!
[Straker with huge gun]
Straker- Eat light, aliens!
DR. Russell- Ed, no! You’ve hit Allen and scared off Maya.
[Ed, looks and sees an escaping Maya, sets out after her.]
Carter- I’m loosing air. Man I hate these plastic backpacks.
[ Hear we see a parody of the Anderson style patch kit. Helena begins to pull out items from an emergency kit, the first consisting of shaving cream and cotton, which does not work.]
DR. Russell- I’ll try this oil paint…Maybe it will dry quickly and seal…..{From over her shoulder, a hand reaches down, and offers an air regulator.. It’s Maya. Just as Allen gets air there is another shot. Maya rises up and fires, hits Ed, who drops rock on surface.]
Carter- Straker!
DR. Russell- Sorry Allen. I’m afraid he’s stunned. Let’s get everyone to Medical Center.
Koenig-Here we go.
{Engines fire]
[We see warp open and Eagle enters. Inside they act like they’re on a roller coaster.]
Koenig & Tony – Weeeeeee!
Koenig- I haven’t had this much fun since I burned Gramma’s wig!
[Med Center]
DR. Russell-Maya, change back! Hurry, Straker’s here, about to break his restraints! You’ve got to change now!
[Montage of images, Eagle and Med center]
[COMMAND CENTER]
Carter walks in as Freeman installs battery
Carter-Well, the powers back.
Freeman-That’s right Baby! I’ll be going now. Got a date with Sandra!
Bergman- I guess I’ll be heading back to SHADO…Wait. I’ve got high-energy readings in the area of the space warp.
Carter- On screen…There they are. Alpha to Eagle 2.. Come in.
Koenig- Eagle 2 to Alpha. Allen! It’s good to hear your voice. We’ve had quite a ride. Prepare technical section. I’ve got a present…a slightly used Archon ship.
Carter- Oh John, not another one. .
[shot of Koenig’s spaceship lot on surface.]
Koenig- This ship is a gift.
Carter- From whom?
Koenig- Would you believe some friendly aliens?
Carter- I kind of doubt it. [We see ship open up and UFOs going everywhere]
Koenig- Scratch that..go to red alert!
[MEDICAL CENTER]
[Russell is removing the gold rock from Straker's hand. She scans it.]
Russell- Uh huh. Just as I thought, psychic gold.
Straker- Let me go doctor! I’ve really got UFOs to fight! Hurry!
[as UFOs head to Alpha, K’s Eagle detaches from alien ship, and heads for Refueling Eagle]
Tony- Eagle 2 to refueling Eagle…Eagle 2 to refueling Eagle…Hello is anybody there?
[Interior of refueling Eagle, attendant is reading magazine with TV on. He eventually gets up and pushes button as we hear K Say-]
Koenig- Hey, could you hurry it up? We’ve got an alien attack headed for the base!
Tony- He’s not getting a tip from me!
[At this point typical UFO battle takes place, along with a few gags thrown in]
When last UFO is destroyed, Ed smiles.
[MEDICAL CENTER]
Koenig- Maya…Maya…
DR. Russell- Shhhh! She’s resting John.
Tony- Well, everyone’s resting John, while we’ve been risking our lives. [K & T look at each other, laugh as Helena Rolls her eyes. They all freeze except Maya, who wakes up and stands. She looks at the others who are frozen. We fade almost to black and hear Hic…]
Next time.. on UFO:1999…Orange missiles appear above Alpha…[In Addition to missiles, we see the Botany Bay float by]Straker- Where did they come from?
Koenig- I don’t know Ed but it’s the most fantastic collection of salt and peppershakers I’ve ever seen….What?
..it’s a race against the clock to see who can get there first…[ Spacediver is approaching a canister, when an eagle passes in front of the camera, after it passes, only Spacediver is left]
Straker- Well, lets open her up.
Koenig-Yeah, we’re almost out of pepper….What?
…Inside is a surprise…[Our falls an alien who is sneezing]
Koenig- Shoot, come to think of it, we could use some salt, too….What?
…So another is retrieved….[Same as before, but this time Space 1 gets the canister first]
Koenig- You know, we could also use some paprika.
Tony- No John.
…the aliens make promises they can’t keep….because they have plans of their own…
Candor (Alien Male)-[Sounding like Mr. Haney] Folks, step right up to the yellow circle and I will show you the new improved life support unit. [Switches it on, And all grab ears as Slim Whitman comes on loudly, then Dr R, and Tony beam out]
…Alphans are held hostage on a strange world….
Tony- Great, another world where one room controls everything.
…Meanwhile, on alpha the other alien demands the impossible…
Amby (Female Alien)- Female Alien- I want you to bring down the rest of the canisters.
Koenig-Well, let’s see. I know, we’ve been needing some outdoor Christmas decorations….What?
Straker- John we can’t do that. Think of the drain on our life support systems.
Koenig-Oh, she wants us to re-animate the aliens in those canisters. Well no.
Amby -If you don’t, I’ll do this.
…The aliens destroy Dr. Russell’s art project…and Koenig agrees to the demands…or does he?….
[On board Eagle]
Koenig-Maya, shhh! Don’t give her a parachute.
[We see others jump out of eagle and float away, except for FA, who plunges to her death.]
….But the other alien really gets cheesed off….
DR. Russell-They’ve destroyed my art project, Tony. What else could they do?Carter-You’ll die for what Koenig has done!
…But before he can act, the leader of Golos must speak…..
Mirila- Loyal subjects, I come to you today to speak on a most grave issue. 300 years ago our foremothers sent a lot of prisoners out into space. Now they’re back and want to take over Golos. So before I go, I most speak of the accomplishments of my administration….[Everyone goes to sleep]
…But Dr. Russell knows the alien secret of youth..A plastic coating on their bodies…Now she has a plan….
[Dr. R pulls out a pin and pricks Candor who promptly pops.]