Episode 3 - Games O'WarEpisode 3 - Games O'WarReview:
Announcer: Last time on UFO:1999……Alpha passes a planet that gives Moonbase a present.…
Tony- John…It’s gas! Areal’s given us gas!!
…..Windows burst open and more probes land….Then, the moon has at atmosphere…and tired personnel have fun in the sun…[Scenes of personnel out doors, culminating with a good look at Carlin, who is polishing Skydiver. We see a sign nearby that reads, “Skydiver Museum, admission $19.80”.]….Romance blossoms in the lunar spring, but some take it to the extreme…
Freeman- Hey Dr. Russell, come over to my pad.
Dr. Russell- If I do, will you leave me alone?
Freeman-Oh, I’ll behave!
[Show cool house on moon, go to interior shot]
Freeman- Care for some mushrooms, I picked them myself…They’re shagadlic, baby!
….But then severe rains threaten some…
[Eagle flying through storm]
Koenig- So much for our three hour tour.
Straker- Our three hour tour.
….And give new purpose to others…
Straker [In background Freeman is beating the daylights out of Koenig while Dr. Russell watches with a bored look.]- John, the craters are filling up with water…I know who can help rescue us!
[We see skydiver tilting upward and a launch, but the sea is bordered by a crater]
Carlin- All right! I’m back!
….But then Ariel takes away the air…
Carter [looking out window] – Those probes really suck.
[We see Koenig and command center. Suddenly pandemonium erupts!!]
Koenig – Ok, which of you bozos didn’t close a window?
…One member of SHADO disappears in a tragic accident…
Straker- Captain Carlin, come in…Peter respond.
Koenig- Ed, there’s nothing else we can do. He’s gone.
Straker- Who would have ever guessed…Peter Carlin, captain of Skydiver, Lost in a mudslide in a lonely crater on the moon. I think I’ll drink a cup of Skydiver coffee to remember him by.
…That was last time, on UFO:1999!!!!
Dear Diary;
It has now been over 1000 days since leaving Earth’s orbit. Well, ok, we aren’t really sure how long it’s been or whose days to go by… the Earth’s, the moon’s, or maybe the planet we are now approaching. To make matters worse we’ve been through a space warp or two, and have exceeded the speed of light on a few occasions.
Anyway, we continue to look for a new home, a world to call our own. Straker keeps trying to find a world where he can shoot up aliens (he’s still cheesed about his apartment). It is a struggle to keep the goals of Alpha and SHADO in balance, but we’re managing nicely.
________________________________________________________________________
[Interior gym, K & S are dressed as samurai are having it out, SNL style. There is more pseudo-Japanese yelling than anything else. K makes a move only to have it his sword thrown out of his hand. He reaches down but in a frozen in horror when he looks up to see S with sword raised to strike. Just as S lets out loud yell, and begins his move, they are interrupted by a message that freezes them both….]
Don Pardo- Commander Koenig, Please come to Command Center straightaway. We have a contact. Yes, they’re aliens headed straight for us from their beautiful red and purple home world…
Koenig-OK, Don, I get the picture.
Don- No Rice-a Roni for you.
Koenig-We’ll pick this up next Tuesday (Ed is still frozen).
Straker- When’s Tuesday?
Koenig-How should I know? The clock’s broken, remember? (they bow, Koenig turns away)
[Close up on S who now swings forward the sword toward the camera. We hear the crack of a baseball bat and hear someone fall. Fade to stars and pan down to reveal planet and hawks.]
[interior command center]
Koenig walks into Command Center, at first he his rubbing his head, but then looks up at the main screen and sees Hawks. Everyone is frozen in horror, but K, who smiles broadly.
Koenig- Boy those look so cool, so sleek, so deadly. What a great sight. Carter can be proud of the way he keeps our hawks ready to go at a moment’s notice. Just like these exercises. Those hawks look ready to blast something to bits right now. Ka-Bam!!
Straker [runs in]-There’s just one problem John. They’re not ours.
Koenig faints.
Straker- Where did those come from? Has someone been blasting aliens without my help?
Tony- [walks in Command Center] They’re not ours, I can tell you that. Where’s John?
Straker- He’s out right now. Tony, you hold things down while I go activate SHADO.
Koenig-[walks in rubbing head] Not so fast, Ed. I need to talk to you. [K moves in front of S, and S begins his exit, quietly] Go to red alert.
Tony- But John, we’ll have to trade out all small the black and white monitor tubes for color ones. Do you know how many that?
Maya- [Imputs data, then looks up. She seems to be trying to figure out an exact number, but gives up.] More that we have time to fool with.
Koenig- All right, we’ll do what we always have to do. Lousy lowest bidder! Red alert!
[ All lean down toward consoles] On three….One ..Two..Three.
[all begin making sound effects, we see black and white monitors flashing Red Alert. Next we see entire moon flashing red.]
Tony- Laser batteries stand by. Hawk launchers to pad. Allen lift off with Eagle intersept fleet.
[In Eagle]Carter- Lucky for you I was just sitting here with a fully armed Eagles on all the pads. Lift off. [Eagles rise]
Maya- Contact in 20 seconds.
Carter- We can’t hold them, commander. They’re like pack of wild dingoes.
Tony- Alpha’s wide open.
Maya- 3, 2…
Koenig- Attack, Allen!
Carter- Say commander, are you sure these aren’t ours?
Koenig- No, they aren’t. The hawk launchers are still on the ground. Attack, Allen!
[Eagles fire, hawks pop like balloons out of existence.]That was too easy.
Koenig- That was fine Allen. Those aliens will think twice before….
Tony- Here come some more.
Carter- I think the others were just balloons or holograms, commander, nothing to worry about.
[Alien hawks fire and destroy the other Eagles]
Carter- Then again..[he fires and destroys a hawk. Debris flies toward camera, looking nothing like spaceship parts. From here on out, each ship explosion expels trash and Saturn V parts along with items not usually associated with spacecraft]
Tony- Hawk launchers, lift off! [They rise and separate]
[A battle ensues and we see buildings explode, and very cheep looking hand drawn Eagles blown apart on the pad. On explodes on the pad with the moon buggy, and we see a piece of debris hit it, making a car alarm go off.]
Medical Center- Helena is busily moving patients out when an explosion outside throws a small chunk of gravel into the window, which begins to crack.
Dr. Russell- Lousy television glass. John we’ve got an atmosphere leak.
Koenig- [in Command Center] Yes, I’m sorry Mam, we’re at war.
Voice 1- My building is on fire.
Koenig- I’m sorry sir, we’re at war.
Voice 2- My Eagle just blew up. I’ve no where to escape.
Koenig- I’m sorry sir, we’re at war.
Dr. Russell- John, did you hear me, we’ve got an atmosphere leak.
Koenig- Helena? [runs out…takes travel tube..]
[Dr. Mathias is at window using the official Gerry Anderson moon patch up kit. Currently he is using shaving cream on the glass.]
Dr. Mathias - Nope that’s not good. I know, maybe this butter will hold the leak. [glass begins to crack]
Dr. Russell- Bob, everyone’s out. Hurry! The butter won’t hold it. Neither will the wet band aid. Come on!
Dr. Mathias - They won’t? Why didn’t I think of this earlier. But you know what would work? Replacing these cheep plate glass windows with something more durable..like maybe a really thick acrylic. Yeah, that would…. [glass shatters and out he goes. Doors to Med Center close.]
Koenig- [Runs around corner] Am I too late?
Dr. Russell- {points at door] Bob….
Koenig- No, I’m John, remember?
[Russell stares at him.]
[In space we see hawks coming behind the other hawks. One of the hawk pilots is singing “Here I come to save the day”.]
Carter- Oh crap. Whose great idea was this? Between us and SHADO we’ve got a gazillion different fighting craft, and John Koenig launches hawks. That lousy Kaipo!
Koenig- What was that Allen?
Carter- Engaging the other hawks.
[He fires. Mighty Mouse music]
Voice- Hey, that was Ninestien! [Hawks are now swarming in all direction and firing at each other.]
Carter- I give up. Carter to fleet, let’s call it a day. [Yea! Say all the hawk pilots. They follow Allen’s Eagle.]
Carter- [flips over Eagle and blows the alien hawks to bits. But debris hits his Eagle]
Carter to base I’m hit.
Koenig- OK. We’re looking at it. I’ll assemble a tiger team to look at the problem. After only a few short hours, we should be able to come up with a solution, probably involving duct tape and moon maps.
[picture of duct tape] Don Pardo- Yes that’s right, duct tape, the tape of the astronauts! Tycho crater 60699! Now back to the rescue.
Koenig-And then we’ll..
Tony- Say John why don’t we launch a rescue ship?
Koenig-Hey, I’ve got an idea! We could launch a rescue ship.
Maya- Maybe not, commander.
[Eagle crashes]
SID- [pops out of crater, mounted on a stick] Large alien space craft on approach.
Koenig- Who said that?
[Discovery with hawk escorts appears on the main screen]
Koenig- Well, they play by the rules. First they engage in name calling, then come the threats and innuendoes, the chair throwing, fist fights.
Maya- Maybe you’d better look at something besides that Springer chap.
Koenig-[Changes monitors] Uh oh…Now we’re in for it. Every one, to the moon caves! [Batman music and tilted cameras, as everyone heads below]
Koenig- [Puts hand on Maya’s shoulder] Maya, since we’re going to die, I just wanted to say…
Straker- [from SHADO HQ] You’re not going to die today…Surprise!
Koenig- Rats.
Maya- You were saying commander?
[At the bottom of a crater, a dust encrusted ship rises slowly, looking a lot like the Yamato (This would really be cool animated) It’s the all new Spacediver. ]
Peter Carlin- Launch stations!
Background voices- Boosters, Circuits…
[ Space one detaches and quickly dispatches Discovery. Carlin says as he fires,” See you at the multiplex!” Big explosion]
Tony-[on monitor] John, what was that?
Koenig- Stock footage disguised as a bomb, but Carlin got in his way.
Tony- Carlin…Is he…
Koenig- That’s right, he’s not quite dead yet.
Tony- Well there goes that bet.
Koenig- All clear, well, except for all those exploding buildings. Everyone return to their post. Maya, give them a safe route back to Command Center.
Maya- Come back up the broken elevator shaft to level 5, then make a dogleg to the right and turn to enter the travel tube. Take the travel tube to building 3, once around the solarium, take the third doorway on the right next to the payphone. Go out the airlock and take a moon buggy to pad 3. Take the main ladder to the hanger bay and spin around in the middle of the floor until you become violently ill.
Tony- Say what?
Maya- Just come back the way you went. Hold your breath through the decompressed parts.
[Later, everyone is seated around the conference table]
Koenig- Ok, everyone let’s get this Supperware meeting underway.
Dr. Russell- That’s next week John. Right now we’re trying to see how much damage has been done. I’ll start. Some folks are alive, some aren’t.
Koenig- That’s nice. Next. [he is putting away Supperware]
Carter- Most of the Eagles are damaged, and only one launch pad works. [After each speaks, we hear a sad chorus of “Oh’s”]
Maya- The food and water is contaminated.
Tony- The main reactor is shot and we’re on solar batteries.
Alec- I’m working just fine… Yeah babies!
Staker- There is some good news….Alpha cable company was destroyed.
Koenig-How is that good?
Straker- no more Sci- Fi Channel! [Everyone cheers]
Tony- Commander..
Koenig & Straker- Yes?
Tony- Commander Koenig…we can’t live here now. Should we activate Operation Exodus?
Straker- You know John, we could move Alpha over to SHADO while repairs are made. It would be crowded, but we’ve got gallons of Skydiver Coffee for all.
Koenig- No Ed, I couldn’t impose on you like that. Instead I want to send and unarmed Eagle to the planet that has nearly destroyed us and negotiate peace, before we invade and set up house. I think it’s our best chance of survival.
Bergman- I’d rather thought they wanted us to stay away.
Koenig- Oh come on Victor, they’re just playing hard to colonize. Carter, prepare our only remaining unarmed and extra slow survey eagle.
Dr. Russell- I’ll go along too.
Koenig-Aren’t there some sick people here you need to take care of?
Dr. Russell- Oh yeah, um…I’ll see you later. [she runs out]
Straker- I’ll watch the base for you John, and I’ll send Colonel Freeman with you.
Alec- In case there are any alien babes…Yeah!
[Eagle on pad]
Koenig- We’ve got to show them there’s nothing to be afraid of.
Alec- With me going….We don’t have a chance. Yeah!
Koenig- Say good by to Alpha for me, Victor.
Berman- Say hello to the planet.
Koenig- Huh?
[Eagle lifts off, we fade to Eagle in orbit of planet., then we see eagle flying above alien cities.]
Alec-….And then there was this incredible red head…[Koenig is using space sickness bag]
Alien female…Alphans, we’re taking over. Relax and stand by for landing.
[Eagle banks wildly down]
Koenig- Ahhh!
Alec-What a ride, baby!
Koenig- I haven’t had this much fun since I burned Gramma’s wig!
[Peaceful alien city, suddenly Eagle screams into picture at steep angle]
Koenig- [screaming, with air stretching cheeks.]
Alec- Oh yeah Baby!
[Eagle heads toward alien landing pad, and stops at the last minute, levels off, and gently thuds to the pad. K and F get up and exit shaking as they go.]
Alec- After that we should be prepared for anything.
[They board elevator. Then the bottom seems to drop out. Ext. alien building, camera pans quickly down. We hear K scream and F say “Yeah Baby”. They exit elevator.]
A soft announcement- Welcome Alphans to our world’s museum of very fragile things and world command center. Please remember, no flash photography is allowed.
Koenig- [Whips out camera and flashes just as announcement finishes. We hear something break] oops.
Aliens appear
Alien female announcer- Are you deaf Earkman?
Koenig- [Whips out huge gun] Who said that?
Alec- John, I thought we were unarmed.
Koenig- The Eagle was unarmed, not me.
Male Alien- Put away your weapons. Any attempt at violence will be turned against you.
Koenig- [Aims at glass box alien has appeared in] SO says you. I bet you’re not so tough. Got big heads and snobby attitudes? Well I’ve got your attitude right here.
Female Alien- We could save ourselves a lot of needless resuscitations if you don’t fire that gun. Let us discuss your quarrel with us. Then we can point out the error of your ways and send you home to die. It’s better for everyone.
Alec- Better yet, let’s skip the talking and go to first contact with alien babes mode!
Male Alien- Is he always this way, Erkman?
Koenig- Sorry. Hey what’s with destroying our Moonbase? We didn’t do anything to you.
Male Alien- Except destroy our balloons.
Koenig- Shaped like our war ships?
Male Alien- We just wanted to have a little fun. Much as when we once appeared in trailer parks on your world.
Koenig- But you attacked us with real ships…
Male Alien-Only an illusion, created by your own fears. We don’t have any fear. In our world there can be no fear. I’m afraid we must leave now.
Koenig- Huh? Hold on. [Choir begins to file in behind K. Their robes have the letter A on them] Ever since we left Earth we’ve been looking for a new home, so we can settle and live again. [Choir members begin to talk back to him…”Yeah”, “That’s right”, “Um-hum”,etc. K has mysteriously found a podium.] We approached your world, broadcast our intentions, and what do you do? You attack us with fighters and bombers like those from Earth. Look, all I’m saying is that we should have died a long time ago, but someone is looking out for us. God if you like. [choir responds excitedly, “yeah, we like God.”] And we will survive!!
Aliens are asleep.
[choir and podium are now gone]
Alec-Let me try John. Hey babe…why don’t you show me around?
Alien female- OK, Come on. [they vanish]
Koenig- Koenig to Alpha.
Straker- Straker here. Say John, how do you feel about shag carpeting?
Koenig- What?
Straker- Well, you were away, so I thought I’d start redecorating. Some things never go out of style John, like orange shag carpeting, and bell bottoms…
Koenig-Ed, Ed…don’t touch anything. I need you to start Operation Exodus.
Straker- I already have. SHADO’s staying put. Now we’ve got this old moonbase to renovate. [cue “This old house” music] Besides we’ve still got UFO’s to Intersept.
Koenig- OhhhKaaay. Anyway, the aliens are hostile, so we’ll have to bomb this world flat. It’s so pretty and peaceful here. Stand by with the attack fleet. Meanwhile, send an
Eagle to rendevous with me in space. This time with lasers. Unarmed survey ship. What was I thinking? {exits and Eagle lifts off] Straker, give the goodbye speech before you close down Alpha, will you.
Straker-Why don’t you? You’re the ones leaving, remember? I’ve got plans for this place….Shopping mall, cine-plex, Alien dissection center…
Koenig-Just do as I say!!!
Straker- John?
Koenig-Sorry Ed, that was the duplicate Koenig from Zenno.
Straker- Oh. Ok John, I’ll say goodbye to Alpha for you.
Koenig-Thanks Ed.
[Eagle lifts off from planet.]
Alec-So why do have such a small pad, baby? [Both are in glass boxes]
Female Alien- Lets face it, I’m a single alien and you are….uh.. Dangerous.
Alec-You mean Danger…Yeah. So you are afraid.
Female Alien- Am not
Alec-You are to.
Female Alien- Am not.
Alec-Prove it. Show me around this fear free world of yours.
Female Alien-Ok, but first I’ve got to defend the planet, and freshen up a bit.
[Eagle leaving planet]
Koenig- Koenig to Carter…Stand by to receive me.
Carter- I’m Moving in now. Stand by to dock.
Koenig-Wait a minute…I don’t see any docking tunnel.
Carter- Don’t worry it will appear out of thin space any minute now.
[twitches nose…Docking tube appears]
Koenig- Well I’ll be a Vogon’s uncle!
[goes to Carter’s ship]
Koenig-Let’s get going Allen I’ll brief you on the way. You know I Have the strangest felling I should slip on a space suit.
[Tube vanishes and Eagles pull apart.]
Straker – Are we ready?
Maya- The last Eagle is ready to depart, the recorder is ready when you are.
Straker- Thanks Maya. Say are you taking that box of stuff from Tayborco?
Maya- Goodbye Commander Straker.
Straker- Ahem….We are mankind, well at least part of it. This base was built to explore space. Human error blasted this moon out of Earth’s orbit. Ever since then they’ve been looking for a home. Now they go to settle on a planet that has nearly destroyed them…..Instead of taking up my offer to live in the all new SHADO moonbase. Yes, the other moonbase. The successor to the one true moonbase, destroyed because it was put to close to the nuclear waste dump. A sad fate for a great moonbase, built to help fight invading aliens from abducting humans who would then rip out their internal organs to replace their own pathetic deceased organs….
Tony- Please Straker, I’m eating a tuna sandwich!
Straker- Aliens who left the bloody remains of their rotting, mutilated remains scattered throughout the forests…
Fraiser- Please commander Straker, you’ve made my wife faint!!
Straker- Anyway, I had to play games, no one really knew what my real job was….
Tony- Goodbye Alpha.
[planet begins to emit rings]
Carter-[turns to camera] You know, a planet cleans up it’s water and air, recycles its trash, plants trees, but it can still have…Planet Odor… That’s why I use…
[rings hit eagle]
Koenig-Eagle…can’t…take this….
Carter- She’s going to blow!
Koenig- Must eject!
[eagle explodes, two astronauts are floating in space.]
Koenig-- We’ll that didn’t go well. Carter are you there? Carter….Carter? [his thoughts echo] Rats He owed me money….So this is it, I’m going to die….Blackness, pain and all that. This body at rest for some future giant action figure collector to add to his collection. John Koenig, last commander of moonbase Alpha. I was there, though at the beginning, at the dawn of the third age of man…..oh, wait. That was someone else’s story…..Hello….Echo….This is how my voice sounds….
Female Alien- [next to Freeman surrounded by swirls of bright colors]- Come fearlessly into our world. Come into a dimension of sight and sound. A dimension of mind. A world free of man’s pit of fear.. In our world we have no fear. We live to feed one gigantic planetary brain that runs every thing. We live and die, but it goes on.
Alec-Yeah baby…it looks like a swingin’ place. Tell me though, Is this all you get to do in this fearless brain of yours. The colors are groovy, but do you get to make the scene?
[we see another alien building, marked “Brainorium”. Inside we see a heat gage beginning to rise.]
Female Alien- Whatever do you mean?
Alec- Well, normally I’d love to show you, but I’m not sure how is this twightlight place.
Female Alien- In our world we feed the brain with our thoughts. All of that brain feeding over the coarse of hundreds of years has made the brain very powerful. Once here with us, you have only to imagine what you wish, and it will become reality.
Alec- Ohhh baby!! I know what I’d like.
Female Alien-Oh no….Here’s one you could try instead. You could give form to your wish that Commander Koenig, though he is a victim of his fears.
Alec-Oh yeah, John…I’d forgotten about him…Where is he?
Female Alien-about 3000 miles straight up.
Alec-Well I guess we need to get him here. But I hate to bring a guy down.
Koenig- Since my baby left me…I found a new place to dwell…It’s called Alpha hotel……Hey what the….Ahhh!!!
[We see falling astronaut begin to heat up as he nears planet….]
Koenig-Yeowwwww!!!
Alec-What can we do now, baby?
Female Alien-Show me this thing called…
Alec- Love?
Female Alien-…making the scene.
Alec-Yeah, that can be fun too!
[We see burning astronaut figure falling toward ground, and hear sonic booms]
[Cut to dance party, the show brainorium gage beginning to seriously overheat.]
[We cut back and forth now to scenes of the “Alien Bandstand” party and this gage rising.]
Koenig- [smoking and shaken] This is stupid Ed if we come here, we die. If we stay there we die.
Straker- My offer still stands
Koenig- That’s OK Ed. Recall all of the eagles.
Straker- OK, but do I have a surprise for the aliens!
Koenig- Oh no! Wait Ed, Alec is with the aliens…and I’m here too!
[We see Spacediver underwater in an alien sea.]
Carlin- Good afternoon Aliens and gentlemen. Welcome aboard the all new Spacediver tours. I’m Captain Carlin, and today we will be viewing such sites as….
Kosh- The Bongo, from The Phantom Menace.
Carlin-Yes, It’s the Phantom Menace. Over on the other side you will see the remains of the…
Kosh- - The probe from the Leonov.
Carlin- Very good..Next we’ll see the..
Kosh- Icarus, from Planet of the Apes.
Carlin- And then next we’ll see….
Kosh- The SeaQuest.
Carlin-Yes the…SeaQuest? On an alien planet? That’s ridiculus. [Exterior shot of Spacediver, alien creatures are swimming past.] Whoever heard of an Earth sub on an alien world.
Straker- Captain Carlin? It’s time. Launch Space 1.
Carlin- But Ed, these aliens are really generous with their money, and I need the cash to pay for the customizations…
Straker- Guess what that money’s about to be worth.
Carlin-Launch Stations!!!
[ It launches]
Carlin- Ready… aim…hold on Commander Straker….the brainorium has melted. I’m getting out of here.
[Explosions from any stock footage we can find take place]
[Suddenly, Alec is thrown into the room where Koenig is waiting. He is weak and dying. Koenig approaches him.]
Koenig- Colonel Freeman, speak.
Alec- Sort of sad, really, I was just deciding to settle down. [He dies]
Koenig- Now I know I’m dreaming.
[fade back to..]
Maya- Contact in 20 seconds.
Carter- We can’t hold them, commander. They’re like really angry jelly fish.
Tony- Alpha’s wide open.
Maya- 3, 2…
Koenig- Hold your Fire. That’s an order!
[Hawks pop out of existence]
Maya- Huh? Does this mean we can go to the planet?
Male Alien-No. Stay away, you are dangerous because you are full of fear. We have Shown you in a moment of you time what could happen. You are just to primitive.
Koenig- You know, all the aliens we meet say that. I’m starting to get offended.
Female Alien-But some primitives are enjoyable.. Like Alec Danger Freeman. Grrrrrr!
Male Alien-What did you do to my sister?
Alec-It was just a dream, I didn’t get to do any thing, really……But what a dream! Your sister is such a swinger…Yeah!
[Hawks reappear and begin to blast the base.]
Koenig- Everyone to the shelters!
Tony- Hey look !
[On the screen, the interceptors appear. They fire lasers and destroy the hawks. More hawks appear, only to be blown away.]
Straker- Had enough? I’ve got more where that came from.
Male Alien-Go ahead make our day…we have no fear of you.
Straker- All right. Alec, catch a ride to the planet on Spacediver.
[Hawks disappear]
Maya- So, Alec, on your world alien women are desirable?
Alec-Baby all women are desirable.
Maya- I see.. any alien women?
Alec-Oh year…the weirder the better.
Maya- [Transforms into ridiculous creature with huge mouth]
F- [with eyes closed] Go ahead, lay it on me.
Maya- [Shrugs and bends toward Freeman]
[Ext., Alpha buildings…We hear Alec –Scream Fades to….”Oh yeah baby, weird is cool.” Maya- Oh, how revolting.]
(The End)
Announcer: Next time on UFO:1999 ….The moon passes near two planets…
Tony-[at a window with square binoculars] John, those two planets are on exact opposite sides of their sun. Neither one can see the other.
John- Let me see those. Hey, you’re right. It reminds me of a movie. What was that called?
Straker [walks up]-What are you going…Hey, that’s where those got to. Nina’s been looking for these everywhere!
…A giant starship approaches Alpha, armed to the teeth, and piloted by beautiful women…
[Ship on screen getting larger. SFX of ship hovering over Alpha. Back to command center where everyone is looking straight at the screen and backing up slowly. A technician in the background bolts for the restroom (See CEO3K)]
….Eagles are neutralized as they approach the ship…
Carter- There goes Eagle 12.
[SFX- we see Eagle drifting down, where it lands on a pile of Eagles]
Koenig- Launch another one.
[Eagle lifts off]
….The ship begins to fire but not at Alpha…
Tony- Hey they’re firing on the other planet!Dione- Well Duh.
Tony- We should be Ok then!
Maya- Incoming Tony!
Tony- D’oh!
…Soon Alpha is caught in the middle of a war…
Sports caster- We’re here high atop Main Mission to bring you all the action. There are incoming missiles headed toward Dione’s ship. Bam!! What an explosion! Dione is going to be out of action now! [Interior Command Center, lights are lowered and all are bathed in the glow of the main screen, eating Popcorn] What a battle! Let’s see that explosion in slow motion as we go to commercial break.
…Suddenly, the eagles are free…but there’s a traffic jam on the moon [We see all of the eagles trying to take off at once.]…Meanwhile Dione wants sanctuary….
Dione- I want Sanctuary!Koenig- OK.
[cut to scene of Koenig holding open church door.]
Dione- That’s not what I meant.
…..But it’s all a trap, Dione’s ship was rigged to blow and is as deadly as ever….But Koenig has a plan….
[We see dozens of moon buggies with a single astronaut figure in each. Dione is picking them off like fish in a barrel]
….It fails…
Maya- Maybe you should have pretended to be just one person.
Koenig- Oh, yeah.
…But it’s curtains for Dione anyway…
Straker- Goodbye Dione.
[Dione screams and we get a jump shot zoom in on her mouth all the way to the metal surface of one of her fillings. Some sort of creature or vehicle is making its way across the tooth surface. SFX – Mobiles from behind her ship fire…huge explosion.]
..But before they get out of range they get another visitor…
[SFX- we see Doppelganger landing and here a voice-“ Excuse me.. I’m a little bit confused, I’m not sure what planet I’m supposed to land on.” Hawk fires and destroys ship]
Koenig [ getting weird look from Straker]- It was a boring conversation anyway.
…That’s next time, on UFO:1999!!!!