UFO:1999

Episode 2 - Sid's Return

A long, long time ago (Ok, so it began back in the 60’s) in a land far, far away (England), a science producer named Gerry Anderson created ingenious Science fiction programs, among the coolest shows to ever air.  Among them were UFO and Space:1999.  These were inventive looks at positive futures in which mankind had boldly moved out into space.

 UFO was set in the then futuristic 1980’s. UFO’s heroes defeated evil alien plots  in each episode.  In Space:1999, Moonbase Alpha and her personnel became deep space explorers quite by accident, when on September 13, 1999 the moon was blasted out of the Earth’s orbit. 

             Originally, the two programs were to have been linked.  Many fans, like us, have wondered what that might have looked like.  As Space:1999’s famous date approached reality, we decided to give wings to this idea.  With a shoestring budget and a warped sense of humor, we set out to make both a salute and parody of a combined Space:1999 and UFO. 

Thanks Mr. Anderson and company, the future was fantastic.

PS.  Please don’t sue us!

[Note: Here is a preview that was intended to be added to the end of “Breakified”.]

Koenig- So, this is Ultra Cool.  It looks it.

Bergman- Well John, we took a vote this morning and came up with the name Piri.

Koenig- Sooo…this is Piri.

[We see the Ultra Cool Probe slowly making its way toward Piri, accompanied by sad classical music.  Suddenly an Eagle zips by. We hear cries from the UC Probe.]

Eagle pilot- Say this one’s a wierdey.  Really bizarre.

Freeman-  Looks Promising.  Yeah!!

Then…Something goes wrong….[Eagle is zipping around Piri dangerously.  We hear laughing and Freeman say-I haven’t had this much fun since I……….]

Koenig- Hey, wait.  I think he almost stole my line.

But Alpha loses contact and they prepare launch another Eagle…

Koenig-  Alright, the crew of Eagle 3 followed their computer’s instruction.  Then we lost contact.  They may have crashed.  Allen, use Alpha’s  computer this time.  I want you to follow our instructions this time, no matter how strange they may seem to you.

Allen- Okey Dokey, Commander.

[Eagle in flight]

Koenig- Lets see if he’s ok.  Carter, slap your co-pilot.  Then cover him with whipped cream and a cherry.

Victor- Then shut off the gravity and pour yourselves a cup of Skydiver coffee.

[Ext. Eagle- Yeow!!!]

Allen- Hey look, It’s just hanging in the middle of the air.  We’re going to dock.

Suddenly, an airlock appears from nowhere…Meanwhile on Alpha the Computer begins to act strangely….and there’s only one man who can investigate the computer from the inside…

Kano-I swore I’d never do this again.

Koenig- Oh come on, there’s no danger to you, as long as you took care of that Y2K problem.

[We see a clip from the Breakaway convention, on the screen a countdown to 2000 is in its last three seconds…Cut back to Kano, who screams and vanishes.  Then we see lights going off on Alpha.]

Koenig-oops.

Then…A lot of weird stuff happens involving Styrofoam balls, Catherine Schell-I mean a beautiful alien, and operation Exodus….And Koenig is left alone…

Koenig- I made the base disappear…I made the base disappear….[Runs wild through base]

Soon, though Koenig gets lonely and travels to Piri to retrieve Moonbase personnel…but first he must convince them…

Koenig- [Logan’s run parody] No!! Don’t just lie there!!!  You don’t have to just lay around.  You can live. 

Victor- Oh. that’s John.

Koenig- I’ve stayed off Piri, and look! [Holds up hand]

But his speech doesn’t work and he resorts to his old stand bys…

[We see explosions, Operation Exodus, etc.]

Victor- Well John, now that we’re out of range, Piri has come back to life.  Now those Styrofoam plants will restart the cycle of life.  Thanks a lot John.

Straker-  Hey John, good news.  Before we left Piri I recovered all of those Styrofoam balls.  Now we can make Christmas gifts for next year.  I’m thinking lots of snowmen!!!

[Victor puts face in hands]

Koenig- We’ve got to find something for him to do.

Then…just when you thought the episode was over…Carter makes a discovery that shocks all of Alpha….

Carter- I Don’t believe it…..its……Skydiver! [Skydiver on the inside wall of a crater]

Straker- Straker to Carlin….Carlin, are you there?  Carlin!

Carlin- Straker!  You again!  Look I’m busy trying to entertain a bunch of trapped tourists who thought this was only going to be…..

Tourist-A three hour tour!

Carlin- A three hour tour!

Straker- But Skydiver is on the moon…How Captain? Explain yourself.

Carlin- I’m not completely sure…One moment we were in the Pacific and then we were in Anderson Crater.  I think it was…

Tourist- A UFO!

Tourist 2-And a space-time transport bubble!

Carlin- Well that’s one theory.  Just send …..

Tourist- A rescue party.

Carlin- Soon.  Very soon.  Allow me to introduce you all to the airlock…..

Find out  next time, on an all new UFO:1999!UFO:1999

[Note: The original Episode 2 script begins here.  Elements of our previews actually were actually used as transitional mechanisms between stories.  Since only one was used this format was dropped.]

Announcer:  Two episodes ago, on UFO:1999…. Alpha feels as if someone is watching all they do, while one man runs out of riddlen..[Stock footage of man furiously pushing buttons in command center]…

Dr. Russell- I gave him all we had, without titanium I can’t make more.

Then a team of Astronauts walking to yet another Eagle crash begins to mysteriously disappear…[We see astronaut vanish and eye in the sky]…

Bergman- John, my Space suit’s got a leak…John, do you hear me???

Koenig- [not quite hearing the transmission that suddenly fades away]- Ok, Victor, go ahead and take a leak.  We’ll go around the next rock and wait for you. Come on [to others walking with him]

[Victor sees eye, and then bright light swallows him]

Koenig- Victor?  Victor?  Oh, well.  Maybe he went back.  Just like Paul and Kano.  Well, lets get on to that crash site before someone finds out we took out Apollo 15.

 Then, Last time, on a very special UFO:1999….Eagles fly to a weird world in search of titanium, a rare metal needed for life support and find themselves sucked down to a graveyard of familiar ships….

Straker- Say these look familiar, don’t they  Mr. Cellini…Cellini?  [He is hiding]

…But suddenly, they find life on this barren world….

Mentor- Welcome to Psycon, Alphans.  We mean you no harm.  As a matter of fact we have hats made just for you.  …But the hats are deadly to those who wear them….as brains are drained to feed the machine that keeps this world alive….And Koenig must convince Mentor’s beautiful daughter of the truth…..While he secretly plans to blow up the planet…

Mentor- You talk of peace and send weapons to destroy Psychon!  Well, Take that! [Alpha buildings explode]

Koenig- Oh yeah, well you just take that..[ Volcanoes exploding ] And there’s more where that came from!

Mentor- Uh, Koenig, the volcanoes were already erupting.

Koenig- Yeah, and there’s more where that came from!!

[Mentor shakes head…we see eagle explode.]

…And meanwhile Maya learns the true fate of the aliens who were lured to her world…

[We see Maya change from a bird to herself and stand in shock…Then we see stock footage of three stooges, etc.]

…And then Maya sets the Alphans free…

Maya- wasn’t me.

Mentor- Maya, how many Psycons live here.

Maya- Two.

Mentor- Ahem..

Maya- Oh….Well, a wormhole opened up and they snuck out.

Mentor- [shakes head.]

…Now Koenig must take action…

We see Tony, Straker, and Freeman yelling “no” at Koenig.  We then see Koenig with a ladder turning this way and that, effectively smashing Psyce-.  We hear Mentor screaming “no”.].

Maya- Mentor, come with us…

Mentor- No Maya, Save yourselves!  Please understand…I wanted to save our world.

Maya-  No, Mentor…Come with us.  Psyche made you do naughty!

…Everyone heads back to the eagle..and they barely get away in time…

[cut to planet exploding as eagle climbs away.  Interior eagle, Ed is shaking head, and we pan over to Koenig.]

Koenig [comforting Maya]  We’re all aliens till we get to know one another.

Straker- Speak for yourself, John.  I just think they’re all aliens.

[We see Koenig and Maya, behind them Tony and Freeman are fighting…”Mine” “I saw her first”]

….And now, an all-new episode of UFO:1999.

Theme Music

SID’s Return

Dear Diary,

It has been over 342 days since leaving Earth’s orbit, which is really weird, since it was over 800 days since leaving Earth’s orbit when the Tony Cellini incident occurred.  For some reason not fully known yet, each of us, except for the ex-SHADO personnel, seem to be suffering from short-term memory loss.  It is my belief that perhaps somewhere during this time our clocks were reset.  By whom, and for what reason, we really don’t know.  Commander Straker puts it down to aliens, just as he does the disappearance of certain of our personnel.   Dr. Russell is continuing to work with Commissioner Simmons in rehab, but does not give much hope, as there was so little to work with before his drinking binges.  Meanwhile all has been suspiciously quiet and Ed Straker has become a rare sight, much to the relief of Alpha personnel.  We have are about to dispatch two survey Eagles to investigate mysterious readings coming from behind our pathway through the stars, just for the pure heck of it.

Command Center-

Tony- Eagles approaching what appears to be a powered object.  No details yet.

Koenig-Come on Come on!  Those eagle pilots have had nothing to do but sit on their backsides for days now.  We need to know everything we can about that strange object, ASAP!!!

[Everyone is staring at Koenig]

Koenig- That of coarse was the evil Koenig from  that mirror asteroid….

Everyone- Oh!!

Maya- Commander, Eagles have are getting some data in.

Carter – Carter to Alpha.  I’m getting some really weird readings….controls are acting up… I don’t think we’re in any danger though.

[other eagle blows up, we see a guest pilot yelling]

Carter-I could be wrong, though…Attempting to break off…I’m…..[static]

Koenig- Try another frequency…Allen…Allen..

Tony- I can’t get through.  Wait, long-range sensors have picked him up.  He’s returning to base…sort of.

Maya- time for this week’s eagle crash.

Carter- Carter to base.  My control systems are shot, I can’t quite make it back to base.  the Eagle’s out of control…swaying up and down..up and down…[we see command center personnel getting sick]..but other than that I haven’t had this much fun since I burned gramma’s wig.

Koenig- Hey that’s my line.  We’ll follow you all the way down.  Eagle rescue crews stand by.  Medical Center stand by.

Maya- Commander we have a contact with the powered object.

Koenig- Switch to Object.  [Allen’s eagle fades from screen]

[ on main screen we see a blue cloud and hear a high-pitched whistle.  Camera moves back to reveal a teakettle on a hot plate.  Suddenly Simmons appears]

Simmons- Well, if you clowns won’t take it off the heat, I will.  I’ve got a hangover that won’t quit!! [prepares to exit]  Skydiver Coffee..Need more Skydiver Coffee.

Carter- I’m coming down.  Keep your heads low.

[Show pad quiet..we hear crickets and even a wolf…Suddenly , C’s Eagle slams onto pad at high speed.]

Maya - Signal coming through.

Koenig - put it on the main speaker..

SID- This is Space Intruder Detector.  Homing in on Moonbase.  Weapons fully charged.

Koenig- Oh crap.

[Straker enters]

Straker- A contact John?

Koenig - It’s SID.

Straker- SID, That’s great.  At last all the pieces to the puzzle have come together. Koenig - Huh? No Ed.  It’s not great.  He’s armed to the teeth.

Straker- - How could that have happened?  SID wasn’t designed to have weapons.  It was always so much cheaper to send up manned spacecraft to battle the UFO’s.  Maybe I just said too much.  [Flashback sequence]  If you recall, john, SID took a direct hit from a UFO during the battle of September 13, 1999.

Koenig - That’s also the day we left Earth.

Straker- It’s just possible that he picked up enough speed to bounce off the Earth’s atmosphere.

Koenig - And when the nuclear waste dump ignited and hurled the moon out of earth’s orbit, he could have been dragged behind us, caught in the moon’s gravitational field.  It’s amazing that he survived that day.  There were a number of space related mishaps that day. [Space stations exploding]  But how could he been made operational and armed?

Straker- Easy. He’s been following behind us, going where we’ve been after we’ve passed there..

Koenig - You mean like Terra Nova [As K reads off the names of each of these worlds, we see stock footage of destruction on each of these worlds] Piri, Ultra Cool, Zeno,….Psycon.

Straker- [crystal ball sequence] Yes, John, consider the worlds unsuspecting, seeing human faces for the very first time.  And do we look at them with curiosity or benevolence?  No, we use John Koenig’s first contact protocol, and blow everything to bits.  Then, just when the aliens think we’re gone for good, along comes a powerful and damaged probe, with a really bad attitude seeking it’s builders. A situation we might well find ourselves in one day, gentlemen.

Koenig - OK, Ed, we get your point.  And we are in that situation.

Straker- Well, John, good luck.

Koenig - What? You’re just going to leave?

Straker- I’m sure the defenses of Alpha are capable of defending the base.  Besides, I’ve got to go….uh..get some Skydiver Coffee.

Koenig - Go?  Ed, I will need your help on this one.  Besides we have a coffee maker here already.

Straker- I …uh like the one down the  hall.

Koenig - But Ed…..[he leaves]  Fine, we’ll do it without him.  Maya, do you have any recommendations?

Maya- First we should try to talk to it; perhaps we can talk it out of an attack.

Koenig - You know, that’s a weird idea.  I say we launch the hawks and  blow it to bits.

Maya-But commander, think of the loss of the scientific data SID must have recorded over the months he’s been following us.  That could be useful to us.

Koenig - Nah, lets just blow him to bits.

Maya- Hmm…Perhaps SID’s information could help you next attacks.

Koenig - Say, I’ve got an idea, why don’t we just talk him out of his planned attack?

[Maya turns away and changes expression]

[Meanwhile we see S taking a travel tube that ends at a small station, where he finds his car which then proceeds down a clear tunnel, which then runs into the side of a mountain.  The camera pans past to reveal…The new SHADO Moonbase/hq.]

[We see Ed getting out of his car and walking to an office, he voice prints and office descends.  He enters hq, camera is tight on him, then, as he speaks, we go to a wide spot and see all of the missing Alpha personnel.]

Straker- Gentlemen, and good-looking babes who I really do respect, the time has come for the new SHADO to go into action.

Maya- This is the voice of Earth Space Authority, Do you acknowledge?

SID- Yes, I hear you, but you are an alien.  No orders will be accepted by aliens.

Tony- Let me try.  All right, I’m the voice for Earth.  This is Moonbase Alpha Command, successor to the SHADO organization.

SID- Acknowledged.

Tony- Disarm and prepare for rendezvous.

SID- No way. Besides I’m busy.

Tony- Doing what?

[laser fires and destroys eagle]

Koenig - Well, I think we’re getting to him.  Eagle 5, lift off.

Linder’s lab-

Jimster- That’s SID up there.  They’re trying to stop him, get at his memory core.  It’s a dangerous move.

Linder- Come on my boy, this thing was in space while you were still in..how you say…swimmies.  They know what they are doing…..

[ over the speakers in Linder’s lab we hear….]

Tony- John, I not so sure we’re getting to SID.

[laser fires and destroys eagle]

Linder- …I think.  I think I’m going to go for a walk.

Straker- Interceptor pilots to launch positions.

Tony- John, Sid is armed the laser cannons again. 

[laser fires and destroys eagle]

Koenig - Eagle 6..

Tony- John, this isn’t working.  SID will simply not obey our commands.

SID- I think you should know I’m felling very depressed.

Koenig - You’re right.  Hawk Launchers, lift off.

[fx]

Straker- Interceptors, launch.  Get skydiver in the picture.

[fx- interceptors, then Skydiver on treads.]

Peter Carlin- Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to Skydiver Tours.  I’m Captain Carlin……We’ll be seeing such sites today as….

Tourist- Hey, I see what’s left of Area 2…

Carlin- Yes, what’s left of Area 2.  But if you look a little closer you’ll see…

Tourist- Hey, there’s the secret cave the aliens built to hide the UFO’s.

Carlin- Yes, the secret alien spacecraft storage facility…Over on your left you will see…

Tourist- There’s part of SHADO moonbase and even a lunar module.

Carlin- That’s part of SHADO moonbase….Also you will see an artifact just moved here from Tycho crater…

Tourist- Hey it’s the Black Monolith!!

Carlin [Whips out stun gun and fires] Sorry folks he’s just…

Tourist 2- He’s only stunned!

Carlin[fires again]—Now without further delay, let’s move on to the other part of our tour, which will include Apollo 12 and..

Tourist 3 –Cool, maybe we can see Surveyor!

Carlin [Aims, but is distracted by phone] Just a moment folks.

Straker- Captain Carlin, I need you to launch Sky One…Is she spaceworthy yet?

Carlin- Yes she is , but I’m trying to make a pound or two….

Straker- Your tour can wait, and Skydiver can move on to its next destination while your gone.

Launch immediately…S.I.B.

Carlin- Sorry folks, but I’ve got to pop out for a bit.  Skydiver will take you to our next stop automatically.  In the mean time enjoy food from our snack buffet, including…

Tourist- Hey, they’ve got green cheese!

Carlin- [fires again] Launch stations!!!

[boosters, circuits…then we see Skydiver ever so slowly tilt backwards as pneumatic rods push up the front section of the ex-sub while we hear beeping…Sky One launches]

Tony- John, Hawks are in attack position.

Koenig - Prepare to fire on my order.

[ Dr. Linder enters Command Center-]

Dr. Linder- Excuse me…

Koenig- Oh, hi Dr. Linder.  We’re a little busy right now.  Just leave the bagels and I’ll pay you Tuesday.

Linder- you said that last week.  Anyway, I have no Bagels today… If you please, you must understand That SID will only respond to the most precise command.  And also before I came to Alpha, I used to shorten my first name.

Tony- Sydney…..Sid?

Linder- Yes, I have invented and designed SID.

Tony- You killed my brother Mario when the drive cut in too soon!

Linder- No, That was the Voyager 6 you were thinking of.  That was when I was called Queller, but that is another story.

Koenig - Tony, your brother was still alive when we left Earth.

Tony- Oh yeah….You insulted my sister.  Your beloved SID once taunted her when she worked for SHADO!

Linder- Sorry about that.

Tony- Whatsammadayou?

[Fx Hawks.  We hear Koenig say- Hawks to station keeping in area blue.  Wait for further instructions.  Hawk pilot- Go Where?]

Conference room-

Tony- So, now you want us to trust this man…after he built and programmed this obscenity?

Koenig - I Don’t think we have much choice.  SID could be stopped by us, maybe.  But if Linder can give us the commands to shut SID down, it would be safer for all of us.  Plus we’d get invaluable data to boot.

Dr. Russell-  But Linder’s satellite caused enormous pain and embarrassment to the Reagan administration, by exposing the Iran- Contra affair.

Tony- But I’m thinking of two years earlier, when SID beamed Amos and Andy reruns to the NAACP convention.

Dr. Russell- So now you want to bring him down here? That’s crazy.  A base full of people with hurt feelings is not a pretty thing John.

Koenig - OK, Ok, I know SID has a vicious sense of humor and an attitude and in general hates almost everyone and is mad and armed to the teeth, But I think with Dr. Linder’s help SID could be deactivated and re programmed.

Maya- Do you think that’s safe?

Koenig - It worked once before, with that overbuilt copier.  We made it safe for use by all of Alpha.

Maya- yes, but I doubt that your strategy would work again….

[Flashback…we see Swoft in space and hear a voice crying out---No…NO more.  Please…I’ll let you have my memory core..just stop…Inside camera pans past Maya and Russell to Koenig who is sitting on the open top of the copier, obviously making really disgusting copies….]

Maya- It was revolting, like rotting flesh.

Koenig - But the point is we did successfully repair the most intelligent copy machine ever built.

[Lights flicker, building explodes..we hear “Attention Alpha personnel would the copier service technical crew report to building 5.”]

Tony- So you’re going to go ahead and bring SID to Alpha?

Koenig -That’s the plan.  We need what’s in SID’s data banks.

Tony-But John..

Koenig - Dr. Linder, will you enter please.

Linder- I’m most glad-happy to be here.  I have built SID, and programmed him with my personality.

Maya- you must really be warped.

Linder- I programmed him at a dark time in my life.  After the…events..unfortunate events… before my name change.  SID gave me a chance to redeem my self to the peoples of the Earth.  But SHADO needed him before I could finish him properly, and I was not in a good mood the day I duplicated my personality..so he developed his own personality based on my fractured life.  Sorry everyone.  Sorry Mr. Scarlet…what he said of your sister was only rarely true.  Now I will return to my lab and see if I can open a circuit to SID. If I can do this, then it will be possible to reprogram SID and activate his control system.  Then all we must do is to override the photomegatronic ocelator and implant the u-45 detonation device.

Koenig - Huh?

Linder-Then we can stop SID before he taunts again.

Koenig- Oh.

Maya- what about his weapons?

Linder- Er…I must go quickly.

Dr. Russell- Well, I’m going to look up information on fast moving insults.

Koenig - Thanks Dr. L.  Now, Captain Carter, I want you to keep an eye on how close SID gets to Alpha.  Let’s keep the hawks in this area and see if SID can be stopped.  If Linder can’t stop him in time……

Carter- Then I’ll wrestle him down.

Koenig - No you’ll order the Hawks to destroy SID.

Carter- That’s what I meant.

[Interceptors in flight]

Command Center-

Maya- Commander, I have six new contacts, all headed for SID.

Koenig - What?  Where are our Hawks?

Maya- right where they’re supposed to be, in red lit district.  By the way, SID will be crossing into the yellow-lit  district any minute now.

[Straker appears on main screen]

Straker- John, I’ve got a little surprise for you. I’ve been a little busier than you might have expected.  Take a look.  [Interceptors are firing at SID.  Missiles explode around SID.  Then Sky One flies at SID and fires.  SID fires back, but misses.]

Koenig -Ed, You mean…

Straker- SHADO is back!! Better and badder than ever!!!

Koenig - Oh joy.  Wait a second, when did you find time to do all this?

Straker- I had all the time I needed, thanks to our new Tayborco Amnesiatron  9000.

Koenig - Ok, so who’s with you? You can’t run SHADO by yourself.

Straker- I pulled a few SHADO people from Alpha that came up in 1999.  Others were offered a unique opportunity, thanks to our eye beacon [show astronauts and beacon, then how it looked to the Alphans.] And of coarse a bright, blinding light from the mobiles made it appear as if Alphans were simply disappearing from the moon’s surface, while we drug them awa—I mean while we invited them to join us.

Koenig - Then Victor didn’t have to take a leak in his space suit after all.

Victor- No John, I said I had a leak in my space suit.  Thanks a lot.

Koenig - No problem Victor.

Victor- John!

Koenig - I assume you’ve thought of updating everything.

Straker- Of coarse John, it’s not 1980 any more.

Koenig - It looks like you still have 3 Interceptors And only one missile for each.

Straker- Who said I only have three Interceptors, and still use just missiles.  I’m counting on SID to think that also.

[we see more Interceptors launch with new laser units.]

Koenig - So those must be the contacts sneaking up from behind SID.

Maya- No commander, those are following SID.

{Main screen, we see three alien ships approaching.]

SHADO base-

Straker- Uh Oh…I mean…I’ve got to go John.  Good luck. Straker out….Nina, lower the base.

Nina- Honey, I’m on break.  Get Morrow to do it.

[SHADO base lowers, and moon mountain rolls in to cover it.]

[Your attention please…Moon buggy]

Lab-

Koenig- How much longer Doctor?

Linder- These things take time.  Exact calculations must be done to insure that all goes as planned.  How much time remains. 

Koenig - Who knows, ever since lunar metric time I’ve been confused.  I’d say somewhere between 4 hours and the next 11 minutes. [show screen that reads something like

‘3 kilohours, 12 miliminutes”.]

Tony- John, come to command Center at once, urgent.

Koenig - Ok Tony, I’m on my way.  Keep things quiet till I get there.  Alpha’s already on edge. We don’t want to start a panic over those wicked looking alien ships headed this way. {we see hallway scene of people hearing all of this conversation over and open com system and starting to panic]

Tony- No problem John.

Straker-Straker to Koenig.

Koenig - Koenig here.

[Alien Ships approaching, then cut to new Interceptors flying toward SID.]

Straker- Koenig, it looks like you’ve got your hands full with these evil looking alien ships approaching to wipe Alpha from existence.  So relax, and stand by, we’ll handle SID.

[Interceptors fire lasers and knock out SID’s weapons]

SID- Changing to collision mode.  Destruct mechanism Armed.

[Koenig enters Command Center]

Maya- Commander, Sid has entered yellow-lighted district.

Koenig - Hawks to attack positions.

[Hawks do a Chinese red-light maneuver that places them exactly where they already were.]

Koenig - Hawks hold position and do not take action until SID crosses into the red-lit district.  Fire only on my command.

Maya- Commander, I’m reading an enormous energy buildup inside of SID, I’ve never seen these patterns before.

Koenig - Maya, you’re still new here, there are lots of things you haven’t see-Holy Cow!

Linder-(On screen, looking embalmed) It’s the Queller bomb- I had hoped to surprise the aliens if they attacked.

Koenig - Linder, we’re running out of time.  How much longer until you are ready?

Linder- Any centimonth now.

Lab-

Linder-Come on Jimster, Connect the interociter plug into the pattern buffer, using the coaxil cable inverter.

Jimster-Huh?  Wait a second.  How come you’re so smart all of a sudden?  If you know how to fix all of this stuff up and order SID to shut down…Then…Only one man would know how to do that.  That must mean you’re….

Linder- Yes Jimster, I’m….

Jimster-….Stephen Hawking.

Linder-…Sid Queller

Jimster-what?!!!  The Sid Queller?  You’re Voyager 6 took out my cousin’s hometown.  They all died.  I got over that.  But when SID mooned my entire hometown - Ham On Rye, on the Vicar’s birthday, well mister, that’s where I draw the line.  Say your prayers Varmint!

[He barely pushes the Linder, but Linder launches into one bumbling accident after another, until he rolls over and passes out.  Then Jimster runs out.]

[ext. Alpha with Space Prescient cruiser]

Dr. Russell- Again.

[Dr. Mathias zaps Linder with some sort of crash cart for the brain.  This is repeated several times, until Linder groans.]

Koenig- [squeezing himself into an already tight shot] How is he?

Dr. Russell-He has a dislocated shoulder and a broken nose, but he’ll live.  Again[zap]

Koenig - What’s with that then?

Dr. Russell-We do have to keep in practice.

Koenig -Carry on.  Jimster.  Come here.  Stupid.  You’re so stupid!  You’ve destroyed our only hope.

Dr. Russell- Sorry.

Koenig - Ok, carry on.

Tony-[on speaker] John, come to Command Center. Urgent.

Command Center-

Koenig - What is it Tony?

Tony- SID is almost in the red-lit district.  Meanwhile the SHADO people have a huge recovery vehicle ready to launch.

Koenig - Straker, what are you up to?

Victor- John.  We’re about to launch an emergency repair mission, to repair SID.  Straker and A guy he hasn’t spoken to in months are about to liftoff.

Koenig - why don’t you just take an Eagle?

[rocket lifts off]

Victor- oh.

Medical Center-

Linder- Oh doctor, I have endangered everyone.  All I ever wanted to do was to help protect life.  Now my invention will destroy it.

Dr. Russell- well, It’s all academic now.

Linder- [Mocks her] I’m out of here.  I’d rather be beaten up by Jimster than to put up with your abuse.  Goodbye.

Dr. Russell-Yeah, whatever.

[sfx cut to Phoenix craft- where Straker and his companion are trying to untangle all of their various life support tubes.  Phoenix flies past SID.  We hear Straker say- We should have just called Cellini’s Taxi]

Command Center-

Maya-SID is entering the red-lit district!

Koenig - Hawks, Prepare to…

Linder- Commander, I am ready.  First I would like to thank the people of Alpha…

Koenig - We don’t have time!  Just give the code before Alpha shakes apart!

Linder- Open a communication channel.  SID, this is Sid.  Do you Acknowledge?

SID- Sid recognizes Sid.  Awaiting your instructions.

Linder- Emergency cancellation Archemedies.

SID- Standing down.  Bomb deactivated.  I await your orders, master.

Koenig - That’s it?  What about all that stuff you built in your lab?

Linder-That is a science project which I built..er, helped to construct for the boy known as the Alpha Child.

Junior- Wow Dr. Linder! Thanks, I’ll win again for sure.

Linder-Where would you like SID to land?

Koenig - Pad 4…He Can land?

Linder-Of coarse he can.

Koenig - [mocks him]

[Sfx- SID lands.]

Koenig - Look over there!  Cool entertainment system!

Linder- I’m afraid only Colonel Freeman has access to the entertainment system at present, and I could not afford the hologram HDTV option when I built SID.

Koenig - OH.

Archonie- Are we on yet? I’ve prepared the most wonderful threatening speech, and I’m growing impatient to deliver it.  Ahem…I am Archonie, chief Justifier of the United Planets of the Tyronians.

Koenig - Which worlds are those?

Archonie- Piri, Ultra Cool, Zeno,….Psycon

Koenig - Oh crap.

Archonie- I know not of this “crap”.  What I do know is that after you and your traveling moon had reeked out destruction on our world, along came a damaged and wandering probe, which spoke the most evil of insults to the hurting peoples of our worlds.  So, we have repaired it, and given it a propulsion system and powerful weapons.  Our plan was that as SID taunted our worlds, so  he would  destroy you.  But you have thwarted our plans and now will proceed to eliminate the infestation of carbon base units infesting the moon.

Koenig -Carbon base units?

Linder-{Shrugs] I’m a scientist, not a doctor.  Listen Archonie, you must understand, SID was built to protect not destroy.

Archonie- I’m not finished with my speech.  As you have hurt our worlds, so now we will eliminate your moon.  Where we come from that’s called justice.

Koenig - Where we come from, we call it getting even.  SID was never meant to be a weapon or an insulter of worlds.

Linder-What has happened was an accident.

Archonie-Was not.

Linder-was too

Archonie-Not

Linder- Too

Archonie- Not not not.

Linder-Too too too.

Koenig -Boys knock it off.  Maybe it was an accident and on purpose too.  All right?

[Ext- SID on pad.   Alien and Linder are fighting, Freeman is calling up babes, and Koenig is sighing]

Archonie-What you say is of little consequence.  Do not resist us unless you wish us to kill all of you more than once.  [He fades away]

Linder- Here Koenig, take the data recorder.  There is much important information here.  Only be careful, it is actually quite fragile outside of it’s casing.  In here is information that could forever change mankind.

[Koenig drops it]

Lab-

Linder- Jimster, I must go.  Alpha is in serious danger, and I am the only one who can save it.  I realize you really are stronger than I, so I ask you nicely to please let me go.  Let me get SID and myself well away from Alpha.

Jimster- I hadn’t even thought of that, actually I was more concerned about you getting on the travel tube.  But come to think of it, being inside a cranky spy probe facing certain death from alien spacecraft would be safer than riding the travel tube, but if you want to ride the tube, I won’t stop you.  Actually, I just want the toothbrush back. [Linder looks suddenly ill]

Linder- Jimster, they are selling Thunderbird toothbrushes behind you.  You are now old enough to own your own.

Jimster- Wow.

[Linder boards travel tube……Then is hurled from it into SID's interior.]

Linder- SID.

SID- Which one of us are you speaking to?

Linder- the one who’s initials mean Space Intruder Detector.

SID-Oh. Well you should make that clear.  What do your letters stand for?

Linder-Oh shut up and launch.  Let’s go save Alpha.

{SID launches]

Tony- John, SID’s lifting off!

Koenig - Koenig to SID.  Linder, what are you doing?

Linder- I go to save Alpha.

Koenig - But the Hawks are still in position, as are the Interceptors.

Linder- I do not believe they will be enough against these fearce looking ships.

Koenig - Fierce?  They look like bumble bees.

Straker- Straker to Alpha.  What the devil is going on with SID?

Koenig - It’s a long story.  Where are you Ed?

Straker- We’ve been recovered by Skydiver.

[In the background we hear Tourist – Oh look, there's Lunok 3!  And Carlin fires again and says - who’s next?]  I’m headed back to SHADO.  Keep those hawks in position John, I’ve recalled our cool ships to regroup for phase two.  I want to be ready, just in case.

Koenig - Just in case?  We’re about to be under attack.

Straker- That’s great John.  Listen, whatever you do don’t let anything happen to SID.  We still need him to complete SHADO’s defenses.

Koenig -Gulp.

[SID flying toward alien ships]

Koenig - Linder, return to base.

Linder-No commander, I must destroy SID and these aliens.  Go to maximum shields and recall the Hawks.  There is nothing you  can do now.

Koenig - Hawks return to base.

Archonie- Commander, you have shown us good will by recalling your fighters.  Now the manner in which you die will be much nicer.

Linder-Archonie, I have built and designed SID, punish me, not these people.

Archonie-They must bear the punishment for what you have done.

Linder-Then you are no better than me. [Activates Queller bomb]

Maya- He’s activated the queller bomb..look what it’s doing to those ships!!

Linder-Goodbye attacking aliens.

[He reaches down to push the self destruct mechanism and notices next to it a button that says hologram projectors.]

Linder-What is this? [He switches it off, alien ships disappear and so does the image of Archonie]

SID- Red alert, UFOs following this probe, sector red by nine.  SID returning to lunar orbit.

Linder- You knew who was following us all along…bad SID, bad [begins swatting inside of SID with newspaper].

Straker –All interceptors, immediate launch!

Nina- Transferring command to Interceptor craft, launch when ready.

[We see large fleet of Interceptors Launching]

Straker-  Put the mobiles in the picture!

[we see them now]

Straker- Mobile units, stand ready for ground assault.

[And now a battle takes place in which all the SHADO vehicles get to fight…except Skydiver.  We keep cutting back to Skydiver slowly being raised into position, and even show Carlin asleep at one point.  All the UFO’s are destroyed or else scatter, leaving our heroes to return to base.]

Lab-

[We see Jimster smashing lab.  In the background Koenig and Straker walk in and watch and start laughing.]

Koenig - Ahem….Jimster?

Jimster- Why commander? Why?  You work with a man and you think you know him…..

Koenig - I don’t know why, but he’ll be back soon.

Straker- I’m afraid not John.  He’s still aboard SID, along with Alec Freeman, at least until he agrees to re-join SHADO….which should be any minute now.

[Cut to SID in orbit of moon..we hear Freeman bragging and Linder begging him to stop…finally we hear a Noooo!]

Koenig - Well then, Jimster, take good care of this.  If you respect the man, download and study the information from the flight data recorder.  But be very careful, it is fragile.  [He walks away to Straker.]

Koenig -Ed, I’ve got a question for you.  [in the background, J picks up box and begins to examine it.  As Koenig and S talk, he goes from examining the thing to pure frustration when it doesn’t open.  Next he begins to smash the thing]

Straker-Yes John?

Koenig - Why did you keep SHADO a secret?  Who is anybody going to tell any way?  We’re on the same side, shoot, we even need each other.

Straker- Er…I hadn’t thought of that.  I guess you’re right.  Say have you seen my new pen?  Look right here…

[Ext.  Alpha, we see a flash…..and hear Koenig]

Koenig - What are we doing here…what the…Alpha’s been invaded by blue flashes…They’re everywhere I look!  Red Alert!!!  [Red Alert sounds]

The End

Announcer-  Next time on UFO:1999….An alien ship bound for earth heads for the moon….

[Alien ship on landing approach]

Koenig- Did anyone order a giant top?

…Alpha Launches a rescue Eagle, with an amazing airlock.  Now you don’t see it, now you do….But Dr. Russell makes a mistake….

Dr Russell- It should be completely safe to open this Cryo-chamber. [They open one and -poof! -a cloud of smoke envelopes them.  We see in the clearing smoke an action figure where the alien once was.  The other aliens rise up and put hands on hips]

Dr. Russell- Oops.

….But the aliens are friendly for a change and offer a ride home to some lucky person…

Alien- Accept these gifts from us..They’re quite rare. [They give out the eggs, all file by and say thanks.  Cut to Ed who is gobbling down this chocolate egg, he looks up and stops eating.]

Ed- What?  Is there egg on my face?

…And Koenig gets pestered by Commissioner Simmons..

Simmons- I wanna go home..Please can I go with the aliens?

Koenig - No.

Simmons - Can I?

Koenig - No.

Simmons - Oh Please?

Koenig - No.

Simmons - I’ll fix the travel tubes. Pleeaaasssse…….

Koenig – Ok, I’ll see what I can do.

…But not every one is happy about this arrangement….

Carter- So someone’s getting a ride back to Earth?  Don’t you think some of the rest of us might want a ticket?

Koenig- It’s Simmons.

Carter- Oh…Never mind.

…But Simmons takes matters into his own hands before he finds out…

[ On main screen, Simmons has a stun gun held on a security guard.]

Simmons- All right Koenig, let me go or I’ll take out life support.  I want safe passage to the alien ship.

Koenig- But Simmons….

Simmons- I’m not kidding!

Koenig- All right, all right. Calgorians, take him away.

…But Simmons forgot to let the aliens prepare him, and he wakes up only hours after leaving the moon, and 75 years from Earth….

Simmons- Hello Earth, this is Commissioner Simmons.  Hello? Hello?  Oh, you’re not still mad about that moon thing are you?  Hello Earth?

Koenig- It Simmons! He came out of hibernation too soon.  Too bad he’s beyond the range of our Eagles.

Straker-  But John, We could launch the interceptors..

Koenig – Shut up Ed.

Straker- Or Skydiver.

Koenig –Shut up Ed.

Straker- Or there’s always..

Koenig- Shut up Ed.

[We see Simmons doing a mime in a box routine.]

….That’s next time on UFO:1999.