Episode 1
By: Kyle Clark, Dale Freeman, and Tim Smith
[Note: This is the first complete script of this episode written. The original script was just a few pages long, but much was added to it during the taping. Only now after viewing it again have I undertaken the task of writing the thing….so what is here is pretty much what was taped. Enjoy (?)!]
Prologue:
The Future is Fantastic was the Gerry Anderson way. Shows such as UFO and Space:1999 were dedicated to a positive look at the future, filled with wonderful gadgets, vehicles, and all around coolness.
Many fans have wondered, if UFO and Space:1999 were connected, what would it look like?
We have set out to answer that question in our own, twisted way. Not having the biggest budget, and actors who worked for free, some changes had to be made. Oh by the way, we do have an unrelenting sense of humor.
This is our way of thanking Mr. Anderson, the actors, and all the amazingly talented artists who gave this former group of teenagers so much wonderful daydream material.
Happy September 13, 1999 to all!
PS. Please do not sue us Mr. Anderson, after making this movie we are broke!
[Kyle Clark Pictures logo, then 20th Anniversary Productions logo]
[Shot of Earth, space station rolls into view. Camera moves through it to reveal the Ultra Cool Probe.]
Koenig - Dear Diary,
Today I’m taking over Moonbase Alpha from Anton Gorski. My mission: to get the Ultra Cool Probe launched. To do that I’m going to have to find the source of the probe astronaut’s virus infection. I also need to check out weird readings from the nuclear waste disposal areas. You know, they say these things always come in threes. I hope they are wrong. I can hardly sleep as it is.
[Eagle soars past probe, cut to interior where Koenig is sound asleep. 2001 gag, with stewardess entering, wearing “XL5 Grip Shoes”, taking Koenig’s floating Comlock, cutting off Journey to the Far Side of the Sun, and then leaving it floating….Another Eagle shot. Cut to interior where Koenig is playing with a small Eagle.]
Carter – Call from Moonbase Alpha for you sir.
Koenig - Put it on screen Allen.
Bergman – John!
Koenig - Victor! Victormente! Victrola Man! The Bergmiester!
Bergman – How’s your flight?
Koenig - [Now holding a larger Eagle model] Food’s not bad, but I’ve seen Journey to the Far Side of the Sun four times now. Are the Ultra Cool astronauts doing better?
Bergman – No John, they’re not. They’ve been locked up here watching daytime television.
Koenig - [Now peering over a huge Eagle replica] What does Doctor Russell say?
Bergman – She says there’s too much sex and not enough story.
Koenig - No, I mean about the virus infection?
Carter – Commander, there’s something coming right at us at extreme speed!
[On the screen we see a UFO zip past.]
Koenig - No. That can’t be! That was a long time ago!
[Koenig pulls over a rack of travel magazines and quickly flips through them. He pulls out a SHADO document and looks through it. He stops of the page that has the SHADO logo and the name, Supreme Headquarters for Alien Defense Organization.]
[Opening credits, mixing the two themes together]
………………………………………Commercial……………………………………….
Announcer – UFO:1999 is brought to you by:
[UFO Clip] Straker - Well I think I’ll have a cup of Skydiver Coffee.
Announcer – Skydiver Coffee, the coffee that made SHADO famous throughout the world.
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
[Episode Credits, “Breakified”]
[Pan over to SHADO Moonbase, now surrounded by a tall fence. Subtitle: “Area Two nuclear waste disposal”. Cut to astronauts who zip by on a moon buggy, pulling a lunar skier behind them. We see two astronauts working on a silo.]
Steinway – Professor Bergman, no radiation leaks so far.
Bergman - [Seated at SHADO Moonbase control] Good Steinway, we’re watching you closely. No screw-ups this time! Well Helena, so far their brain activity is normal.
Russell - Yeah, well considering…
[Eagle shot. Pulling off silo top with a cable]
Eagle pilot – Eagle 12, opening nuclear waste silo.
Bergman - Go ahead. Slowly.
Northrop – Professor, I really have to go to the bathroom!
Bergman - You should have thought about that before you had those four cups of Skydiver Coffee. Now you’ll just have to do your best Allen Shepherd impersonation.
Northrop – I gotta go NOW!!! [He goes nuts and begins struggling with Steinway]
Bergman - Wow! He’s really gotta go!
Steinway – Wait Northrop! UFOs are coming out of the silo!
[FX shot of that]
Eagle pilot – Eagle 12. I’m outta here!
[Eagle slams into gantry atop sphere, and explodes]
Bergman - [Slaps head} Oh! the paperwork!
[Koenig’s Eagle lands]
Female voice – Attention, would the owner of a yellow moon buggy please move it. You are parked in a red zone.
[Shot of Koenig entering travel tube.]
Female voice – Welcome travelers to the Moonbase Alpha Travel Tube System.
[Koenig sits and suddenly begins shaking as tube zips off. The ride is extremely violent and ends with a tire screech. We cut to Bergman, who is pacing slowly to the tune of “Marina”. Koenig falls over and massive explosions take place. We see people in the base running for their lives.]
Female voice – Thank you for riding with us today on the Moonbase Alpha Travel Tube System. We hope you had a pleasant trip. Please ride with us again on the Moonbase Alpha Travel Tube System.
[Smoke swirls, and Koenig gets up, shaken]
Bergman - John! Can you not read the sign? “No Smoking on the base”.
[Koenig looks at a sign that says just that]
Bergman - John! What’s with the beard?
Koenig - Well Victor, Alpha personnel have gone through quite a change, going form Gorski to me. So I thought I’d grow it to…look more like him and make it easier for everyone.
Bergman - So, Helena likes men with beards?
Koenig - Yeah.
Bergman - Well john, you will need this. [Hands him a Comlock]
Koenig - Oh I don’t need that, I brought my own. [Pulls it out of a Space:1999 lunch box.] See, it has my picture on it. [Close up of really hideous picture]
Bergman - This on opens every door on Alpha, plus it operates your DVD player.
Koenig - I’ve got a DVD player?!
Bergman - Of coarse, John. It’s 1999. Everyone has a DVD player. The best in audio and video quality. [Both look into camera, and Koenig winks, as if endorsing some product on air.]
[Exterior of Main Mission tower, cut to interior. Koenig is fiddling with his Comlock.]
Koenig - Victor, do you know the code for the DVD player?
Bergman - Huh?
Koenig - Never mind. Have you ever heard of the old SHADO organization?
Bergman - Supreme Headquarters Alien Defense Organization, headed by that strange guy, uh what was his name? Ed Streaker.
Koenig - Ed Straker. He got the other name after a New Year’s Eve party where he was found drunk and naked in General Henderson’s chair…and…there were pictures. Anyway, he moved into the basement of the Harlington Straker Studios after SHADO shut down. He’s lived there ever since.
Bergman - John, don’t you need to go see Dr. Russell?
Koenig - I guess. [He spins in his chair, pretending to not care.]
[Hallway - Koenig spins through doing his best Curley impersonation. Bergman follows and rubs his face.]
Bergman - John!
[Medical Center interior. Dr. Russell is sitting at a desk trying to assemble a “Van Allen” brand Visible Man model kit.]
Koenig - [On Comlock] Dr. Russell? Can I come in?
Russell - It’s open.
[Koenig enters and sits on other side of Russell]
Koenig - So…Dr. Russell, how’s that going?
[Close up of model box]
Russell - Why does everyone keep asking me that? I swear I can do this!
Koenig - Oh! I get it. I think the head bone is connected to the neck bone, and…
Russell - Why don’t you have a look at my microscope?
Koenig - Cool! just like those scientists use!
Russell - What scientists?
Koenig - [Homer Simpson like] You know, the ones who discover things.
Russell - Oh! Why don’t you have a look?
[Koenig looks through the microscope. Camera changes to view of Koenig pulling up his head. There is now a dark circle around his eye. Russell shakes her head.]
Koenig - Helena, let’s get serious. How are those astronauts doing? And what about the virus infection?
Russell - To be honest, they aren’t doing very well.
[Shot of astronauts in isolation room.]
Computer – Conclusion: Ultra Cool Astronauts not really doing well.
[Exterior shot of Harlington Straker Studios, sign is in bad shape. In front is a Century 21 Reality sign. Interior of Ed Straker’s office. A desk nameplate says “Big Cheese”. Straker has remote and is changing channels on a TV on the other wall.]
Announcer One – [We see 2001’s Discovery] You are watching the Discovery Channel. Explore Another World.
Announcer Two – [Shot of 2001 pod and the Lost in Space mini-lander] Coming up next on Extreme Space Pods, more wild rides in space.
Straker- [Still flipping channels as we see various Anderson show clips pass by, including Colonel Blue.] I’m supposed to have 300 channels, and all I can get are BBC 1, 2, 3, and 4. I know who’s behind this! More budget cuts from the top. Ms. Eland, get me General Henderson. Ms. Eland? Oh yes, Ms. Eland. She resigned 15 years ago. But I don’t need her. I’m the head of SHADO. [He punches up a phone number on his remote control. Cut to skeleton with general hat in a wheel chair.] Henderson? I’ve got a bone to pick with you. You’ve been ribbing me for years about the budget. Can’t you get it through your thick skull….hold on General, I’m getting another call. Yes?
Koenig - Ed? This is John Koenig. Is that you?
[On Alpha, Koenig is leaning against the communication post, and Ed is seeing only an ear.]
Straker - Hey, I remember you! You took all those pictures of me naked in General Henderson’s chair…
Koenig - That was a long time ago. Look, we’ve had a UFO sighting, and we here on Alpha are not quite sure how to deal with it.
Straker - What?! A UFO! Well don’t just sit there! Warn Skydiver. Launch the Interceptors. Get the Mobiles…
Koenig - That isn’t going to work, Ed. All those vehicles of yours are parked behind your studio…I think.
Straker - What about Moonbase? It’s still operational.
Koenig - Yes it is. Only now it is at the center of the Area Two nuclear waste disposal site. I think you have an operative there. A Miss Nina …Berry.
Straker - Of coarse! Nina! I forgot to relieve her when we shut down operations there. I’ll have to call you back John.
[Zoom in on Moon, then Area Two. Interior, SHADO Moonbase]
Nina – Alpha waste dump. You ship it, we dip it. This is Nina Berry speaking.
Straker - Nina! This is Ed Straker. You haven’t changed a bit!
Nina – Well at last the Great White Dope calls. Apparently you did not get my message of some 15 years ago. I quit. Oh, I quit! Now when is the next lunar shuttle coming? I’m ready to go!
Straker - Wait Nina. There’s been a UFO sighting and I need Moonbase to go to full alert and launch the Interceptors.
Nina – Uh uh, Ed. You’re all wrong. Don’t you remember how you just had one missile on each Interceptor?
Straker - Yes.
Nina – And remember that everyone asked what would happen if you fired that missile and missed?
Straker - Yes…
Nina – Well, it happened…one, two, three times.
Straker - Maybe there’s an Interceptor parked next to Mobile Three in the back lot. Or maybe John Koenig has one at Alpha.
Nina – Say what?
Straker - I’ll call you back Nina.
[Straker at his desk]
Koenig - Ed, we need your help. I’ll cal you a Taxi.
Straker - Very well John. I’ll meet you at the back entrance of the studio.
[Cut to shots of studio back lot, filled with all kinds of Anderson vehicles. Atop a hill in the background is the Hitchcock house. A sign atop reads “Rupert Square”. Straker walks into picture and looks at the old vehicles.]
Straker - This planet is in serious trouble!
[Cut to Eagle with yellow Taxi module landing]
……………………………………………..Commercial ………………………………….
Freeman – [Strutting in Alpha corridor.] Alec Freeman here. You know I have to admit that I wasn’t always the swinger I am today….I had to learn from a master, baby….That man is none other than Ed Straker. Just listen to the master at work …
[Using clips for UFO]
Straker - “Gay, you’re a beautiful woman”
Freeman - And as an added bonus, I’ll send you great cover up lines at no additional charge, like this one…
Straker - “Foster, don’t ever judge a conversation by the end of it.”
Freeman - Yeah, Baby, act now to receive this valuable information, Ed Straker’s Pick Up Lines. Here’s how to order!
………………………………………………………………………………………………
[Shot of Eagle with Taxi module. We hear bad Italian singing, and then a close up reveals the name “Cellini’s Taxi Service”. A logo on the side looks a lot like a tentacled creature. Cut to Eagle cockpit.]
Cellini – So Mr. Freeman, you’re changing jobs, eh. Becoming an astronaut? Big adventure and really wild things await. You must be ready for what awaits. [He pops the cork on a bottle and drinks, putting the Eagle on automatic.] Out there, beyond the moon, that’s where the really wild things are. But what good does it do? You find these things, and no one believes you. Worse that that terrible creatures, nasty creatures, kill your crew. Suck the meat right off of their bones!
[We see Alec Freeman, who is dressed in a blue velvet outfit with a ruffled shirt.]
Freeman - Hey baby, the only monster here is in me trousers. Yeah!
Cellini – Tentacles, blood suckers, piano wire…the whole concocted story is true!! Sorry. That happens every time I tell it. So, how is your application coming Mr. Freeman?
Freeman - Actually, I’m getting started now. Name? Alec Danger Freeman. Nearest relative? Five miles. Sex? Yes please. Boxers or briefs? Well, if you have to ask, you’ll never know, baby! Well, it’s time for me to do my thing with the passengers. Especially that gorgeous dish, Colonel Lake!
[He struts to the passenger compartment, and puts a SHADO badge on his uniform.]
Straker - Colonel Freeman? Is that you? My God, what happened?
Freeman - Oh hi Ed. Catch you later.
[Freeman spots Lake and gasps in a cat like way. Virginia Lake is reading a newspaper, which she pears over, now aware of Alec.]
Freeman - Allow me to introduce…myself. I am Alec Danger Freeman.
Lake – Yes, I know who you are, so do all the women in the space agency. Don’t you need to be up front making sure my Utronic equipment arrives safely at Alpha?
Freeman - Baby, from where I’m sitting, your equipment looks fine to me. And I am familiar with it.
Lake – Colonel, you are familiar. And quite the swinger, I’ll bet!
Freeman - Are you kidding, I put the ‘grrr’ in swinger baby!!
[We see four other passengers who have suddenly become ill.]
[Eagle lands at Alpha]
Female voice – Welcome travelers to the Moonbase Alpha Travel Tube System.
[Straker sits and suddenly begins shaking as tube zips off. The ride is extremely violent. Close up on Ed’s eye. Colors spiral and we go to a 2001 parody as Ed blinks. The ride ends with a tire screech. Straker falls over and massive explosions take place. We see people in the base running for their lives.]
Female voice – Thank you for riding with us today on the Moonbase Alpha Travel Tube System. We hope you had a pleasant trip. Please ride with us again on the Moonbase Alpha Travel Tube System.
Koenig - [Straker gets up, smoke is clearing] Ed, can you not read the sign? No Smoking on the base. [Show sign] You’ll need this. Your Comlock.
Straker - Oh that’s ok, I brought my own. It has my picture on it. [Show picture]
Koenig - Yes but with this you get free HBO.
Straker - I’ve got free HBO?
Koenig - Of coarse Ed, it’s not 1980 any more!
[They switch Comlocks]
Straker - Shall we go into the Moonbase?
Koenig - We shall.
[Eagle hanger bay. We see rows of Eagles and Hawks, plus an Interceptor and in the background a few of the Thunderbirds and a large Big Boy next to a gantry.]
Announcement One – Attention Maintenance Crew. Please remove nuclear tip missile from hanger floor.
[Interior Alpha room, Koenig and Straker enter]
Announcement Two – Would Mike Mercury please report to control.
Koenig - Ed, I’d like you to meet Allen Carter.
Carter – Oh we’ve met Commander. At a New Year’s Eve party.
Straker - I don’t remember any party.
Carter – Sure, it was at General Henderson’s….
Koenig - I’m sure Allen’s busy… Oh Ed, [They look out a window into the Eagle hanger.] These are the very latest vehicles armed with lasers and missiles. Oh yes, I said missiles. Not like those things you guys used to use. I mean, what idiot designed a ship with just one missile?!
Straker - I don’t know.
[We cut to a crew of workers in the hanger, walking up to a specially equipped Interceptor.]
Announcer One – Attention Maintenance Crew, Please remove gattling gun module from Interceptor.
[Crew approaches and begins to use hammers and crow bars to remove module.]
Announcer Three – [Alarm sounds] You have activated the self-destruct mechanism. Ten, nine, eight….
[Cut to interior of Allen Carter’s office, with a large window in the background. As Carter and Koenig talk, the crew runs for their lives. Then there is a huge explosion, which neither pays any attention to.]
Carter – So, Commander, how are the Ultra Cool probe astronauts doing?
Koenig - Not well Allen, and there will be no launch.
[Koenig cuts off a picture of the probe on a large screen, in front of which a group on a sofa has been watching it, and is angered when it is cut off.]
Koenig - Allen, I may need you to activate the Hawk Base.
Carter – Hawk Base? What Hawk Base? Oh, you mean Koenig’s folly. Spent all the money on just on launch pad [we see Tracy Island, then it is shrunk down to fit in the large hole in one of the Alpha buildings.]. A swimming pool? What were you thinking? We only had enough money left for just one bathroom on the whole base. No money for more…..
[All this time, we have been sitting back to shots of a very agitated Koenig, who is growling and punching a fist in his hand. He now lunges at the camera. Cut to exterior Alpha Main Mission tower. The building shakes and we hear growling sounds that are getting worse. The Animal Planet logo is in the upper left corner.]
Carter - He’s like a real angry crock. Ah! I’ve got to stay clear of his teeth, he could rip off me arm!
[Cut to Eagle approaching SID]
Steinway – Steinway to Alpha, preparing to dock with SID. Three, two, one. Docking confirmed. [Eagle docks. Next we see a suited figure exit the Eagle.] Preparing for EVA to repair SID. Ok SID, it’s just you and me.
SID – This is Space Intruder Detector. Go Away.
Steinway – That’s it SID. I hope you break down and fall into the freaking Pacific!
[He whips out a 2x4 and begins whacking SID.]
SID – “Ahhh! Storm Troupers, here?” “Danger! Danger!” “Colonial Vipers approaching.” “Daisy Daisy, give me your answer true…” This is Space Intruder Detector. Talk to the antenna ‘cause the face ain’t listenin’!
[Interior Alpha]
Koenig - Ed, were putting your fleet back into operation. Skydiver 3 has been rerouted from the North Atlantic. Apparently it has been used as a tour boat for years. The Interceptors have been returned. But we’ve only retrieved one Mobile. What happened to the other two?
Straker - Well, one was confiscated by the Canadians. Apparently the driver was caught smuggling Canadian cigars. And the other, well the other is a Mobile home in Alabama.
[Still shot of Mobile converted to a mobile home. A Spectrum uniform hangs on the clothesline in front.]
Koenig - It’s time we got some answers about the weird readings from the waste areas. I’m taking an Eagle to Area One.
Straker - Whatever you say John. Better you than me! I’ll stay here and have a cup of Skydiver Coffee.
[Shot of Eagle flying over Area One. Go to interior of Eagle.]
Koenig - Koenig to Alpha. On coarse. Victor, I’m passing through some strange readings. [Lights begin to pulsate.] I’m felling pretty strange. In fact, I’m feelin’ pretty good. Weee! I haven’t had this much fun since I burned Gramma’s wig!
[Eagle is flying erratically. Cut to SID.]
SID – UFO in area purple something or another. Now go away. I’m busy.
[Eagle is targeted.]
Straker - A UFO! Well don’t just sit there! Get me Skydiver! Launch Interceptors! And get me Moonbase.
Paul – Which Moonbase?
Straker- My Moonbase. And find out what the devil is wrong with SID.
[Interceptor launches from Alpha pad, fires at Eagle. Eagle is hit.]
Koenig - Koenig to Alpha, I’m on my way down. I need some place to land. I need some place safe to land. Sea of Tranquility. Hmmm. Sea of Tranquility. I was supposed to avoid something there. Now what was it?
[Eagle is rapidly descending, and slams into the Apollo 11 site. Dust clears to reveal Koenig looking out the Eagle window at the smashed LM.]
Koenig - Alpha, we have a problem.
[Exterior Alpha. Then interior Medical Center.]
Russell - You knew that area was dangerous, yet you flew right into it! We’re looking for answers, not lunatics.
Koenig – I didn’t know you cared.
Russell - Don’t you start. He’s been here all day.
[Freeman waves back at Russell.]
Koenig - We need still need answers. We need to find out what the connection is with the virus infection. We need a pilot. Alec, we need a pilot who’s…expendable.
Freeman - John, how could you. That’s inhumane. Besides we can fly an Eagle by remote control.
[He holds up the remote and John dives for it. Straker runs in with a huge smile.]
Koenig - Gimme that remote!
Straker - Did you see that?!! A UFO!! Who’s the big man now?! Ha ha ha!
Freeman - [Swinging remote around.] Ed would you like to go for a ride?
……………………………..………….Commercial …...……………………………..
Announcer – [Using clips from Space Warp, plus the space warp locator.] New from Taborco….It’s the scientific instrument craze that’s sweeping the country…It’s the Instrumatic! It’s great for plotting intergalactic equations, in a jiffy. It makes navigation through unexplained space warps a snap. The Instrumatic also makes thousands of Julian fries in seconds. It makes a perfect gift. And it’s only $995.00. But hold on to your helmet there’s more. You get a 50-year guarantee in Sanskrit. But that’s not all..If you order today we’ll throw in a Psycon. You get the Instrumatic, the 50-year guarantee, and the Psycon for only $995. Order today and you’ll get it…
Mennon Commander –Soon, very soon.
Announcer - Here’s how to order!
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Koenig - Everything is ready.
SID – UFOs approaching area of North Atlantic. Speed Sol eight.
Straker – Paul, put Skydiver in the picture.
[We see Skydiver underwater, a close up reveals the words “Peter Carlin Tours” now adorns the side of the ship. Cut to interior, where large round windows have been added along with a passenger area full of antsy tourists.]
Carlin - Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Welcome aboard Skydiver. I’m Peter Carlin. [They clap and cheer.] This afternoon we will be taking somewhat of a lengthy tour, where we will see such sights as…
Tourist One – The Seaview….
Tourist Two – From Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea!
Carlin -…the Seaview. If you look to your left, you will see…
Tourist One – The Yellow Submarine!
Tourist Two – That’s the Beatles!
Carlin - Yes, that’s the Beatle’s Yellow Submarine. You will also see…
Tourist One – The Flying Sub!
Tourist Two – Wow! That’s from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea!
Carlin - Yes, that’s Voyage at the Bottom of the Sea. If you look to the left you will also see…
Tourist One – The Seaquest!
Tourist Two – Cool.
Straker - Captain Carlin. This is Ed Straker. Captain Carlin?
Carlin - If you look to the right…
Tourist One – Hey it’s the Tidy Bowl Man!
Straker - Captain Carlin?
Carlin - Excuse me folks. Straker!
Straker - Peter a UFO has been sighted in your area. I need you to launch Sky One immediately.
Carlin - Look Ed, these people have paid a lot of money to see the Titanic.
Straker - That was an order Captain. The Titanic can wait. She’s not going anywhere. Just tell those people that…well its part of the tour. Launch immediately.
Carlin - Sorry folks. I’ve got to pop out a bit. It’s all part of the tour. Launch stations!
[Lights go red. Carlin dons jacket and helmet. In the background voices repeat “Checking circuits.” “Checking Boosters.” Skydiver tilts backward, causing the tourists to tilt back as well. Sky One launches.]
Carlin - Sky One airborne.
[Exterior Mobile, in the background are snow-capped mountains. Interior Mobile]
Bradley – Commander Straker, we’re in Canada, and look, we’ve captured an alien. [Points out window at alien.]
Straker - Good work Bradley. Bring him back to base for questioning.
Bradley – [Looks at alien.] Do you think he bought it?
“Alien” – [We now see a human face in the helmet of the alien.] Yeah, I think he bought it. Let’s go get a brewski.
[Exterior Mobile. The mountain scenery is rolled back, revealing the studio back lot. Mobile rolls off.]
Bergman - [Looking at the Main Mission screen.] Well John, it looks like an all out alien invasion. Looks like you won’t get to use your remote control Eagle, will you!
[Corridor Alpha, people running about.]
Announcement – Attention, all Hawk Launcher crews to pads!
[From high above the hanger bay, a Hawk Launcher rolls into view, a Mark IX Hawk sits atop. Then we see two Hawk Launchers lift off from standard pads. One lifts off from the pool of the very costly Tracy Island replica. Eagles launch in mass. One struggles to get off the pad, as it has a very large booster unit on top. Another is pushed off the pad by a boarding tube. Interceptor launches.]
Carter – [In Eagle cockpit.] Eagles and Interceptors approaching Earth’s atmosphere.
Koenig - Good Allen. No pressure here. Just remember that the fate of all Earth depends on you.
Interceptor Pilot – Commander Straker, which button fires the automatic UFO missile?
Straker - Let’s see… I think the right one arms the missile, and the left one fires it.
[Interceptor fires missile. Eagle appears to explode.]
Straker - Well that’s not it. Try the other.
………………………….………...[Commercial Break]…………………………………
[Clip of Sovitecs vehicle barreling across moon.]
Announcer – UFO:1999 is brought to you by Sovitecs. Sovitecs, We’re running over the competition!
………………………………………………………………………………………………
[High above an Eagle pad, occupied by a moon buggy, flies the Space Prescient cruiser.]
Officer – We’ve got a 10-20 on that yellow moon buggy. Inform Main Mission we’ll need a tow truck.
[Meanwhile in space, the Hawks separate from their carriers. They begin firing. So do the Eagles. And then Interceptors fire. UFOs fire back destroying an Eagle.]
Carter – Ha. That’s not a laser. THIS is a laser!
[An impossibly huge laser mega-cannon emerges from the top of his Eagle. Lighting bolts play around the end as it builds up a gigantic charge. It unleashes a blue bolt, obliterating a UFO.]
[Back in Main Mission…]
Koenig - Paul, what are the headings of the UFOs?
Paul – Two have been engaged by the fleet. The other is heading for Earth.
Straker - [A printout emerges from a console, which Straker picks up.] Of coarse, the remaining UFO is targeting SHADO Headquarters – my apartment!
[Sky One]
Carlin - UFO sighted at L-15. I’m going in.
[Eagle in clouds]
Carter – I’m going in.
[UFO in clouds]
Alien - I’m going in.
[Main Mission]
Bergman - John…Let’s see how they like this!
Koenig - No!
[Bergman presses an orange panel, with a sign that says “atomic cannon, never use”. A huge weapon emerges form the top of an Alpha building, and unleashes a huge hail of fire…which manages to cause huge explosions on Alpha. Inside, a part of the wall falls on Straker’s head.]
Straker - Well they don’t make Moonbases like they used to! Nina, the pilots need exact coordinates to SHADO headquarters.
[Back at SHADO Moonbase. Nina is looking at a picture of Carlin on her monitor. He raises the visor on his helmet, revealing a small part of his face…]
Nina – Harlington Straker Studios is located at…ohh! Hel-lo Shuga!
[UFO fires missile, destroying SHADO Headquarters. Sky One fires missile, destroying UFO.]
Koenig - Well, Ed success! No casualties.
Freeman - Wait Commander, Eagle Six made it back, but their crew is angry as crickets. [Shot of Eagle crashed into lunar surface.] I suggest Ed stay away from Eagle Six crew and launch pad four.
Straker - There is a casualty; may apartment! My home for years. What am I going to do - a retired government defense worker –with his life and bad toupee. [He rubs his head, making the toupee slide. John tries not to react.]
Koenig - Well Ed, you could stay here with us. We’ve got plenty of room here on Alpha. And besides….it’s not like the moon is going anywhere…anytime soon. [He looks into the camera ominously, and raises an eyebrow.]
[Shot of SHADO Moonbase. Inside a janitor is mopping and smoking. He opens a window and tosses the cigarette out. Outside the cigarette slowly tumbles in a low arc. Then---explosions rip the area apart. The moon is pushed out of orbit…]
[Wide shot of Main Mission, on screen is what appears to be a commentator.]
Paul – Commander, we’ve got a transmission form Earth.
[We see the converted Thunderbird 5 orbiting Earth, with the moon zipping away in the background. Above the station is a sign, “Space Travel Channel”. Cut to interior of a studio with the Space Travel Channel logo on the front of the desk.]
Tracy – Hello everyone, I’m Jerry Tracy for the Space Travel Channel. You know September is a great time to go to the moon, warm breezes, low gravity…
Stagehand – Mr. Tracy, urgent! [Hands him a sheet of paper, a close up reveals the words, “Moon torn out of orbit. Advise viewers of other destinations.”]
Tracy – Hmmm…not good. Perhaps we could interest you in a nice Tropical vacation…
Announcer – You’re watching the Space Travel Channel.
[Cut to clip from actual advertising in 1999(!)] Announcer Two - Breakaway!
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[Note: despite the abrupt ending of the episode, we explained the premise of the future episode(s) in the parody of the Year Two opening. The shots featured the familiar two worlds with UFOs flying past, and the words began: “UFO attack….at Moonbase Alpha…oops! Massive nuclear explosions! …Moon torn out of Earth orbit…UFOs follow…”]